Dad ...I miss you...

Dear dad ,

Hi dad. How have you been all these days . Its been a long time since we spoke . But now I have decided to break the silence. I just want to say something to you .Something that I always wanted to tell but didn't ....

I am sorry pa ...Yes , I am Sorry for whatever I have done (honestly for whatever I have not done )........
I have always wanted to tell you this but I couldn't and I have been living with that pain throughout my life .....

I still remember the day when I had failed for the first time in an exam .It was the dreaded tamil exam and I had failed . I just couldn't stand the humiliating look from my teacher or the ignominy of having to look at the answer sheet sitting amidst my class mates. I broke down . From my school till our home , I was walking with tears leaving a silent trail behind me . A trail of humiliation , sorrow and pain . As all these emotions tried to overcome each other one emotion stood tall trampling the others . It was fear . Fear about how you would react to this . Well , I just couldnt think of standing in front of you and narrating the entire ordeal . Just when I reached our gate , I wanted to turn back and run away. But instead I ran into my room , pushed my head into the pillow which temporarily hid the shame on my face .

Dont know for how long , but I lay down still, with uncontrollable tears giving me constant company . I felt a hand on my shoulders . I didn't have to turn in order to tell it was yours . I knew it . "What happened ?" you asked me. I tried hard but couldn't face you . Crying with my head hanging in shame ,"I have failed in the exam . ".....silence .....Well , i didn't know what to expect . But somehow strangely the silence prolonged . 5 minutes later I just struggled raising my head 30 degrees to find my dad in his tracks and he called "how about a match "....(I don't know why but you never spoke a single word about my exam)

What a match we had that day . I was giving whatever I had in me to win the game. There was a new vigor , a sense of fearlessness and unusual overdose of confidence . I won it that day . Won it in straight 3 sets . He came up to me and said "You might lose one day and maybe keep on losing. . but you should never stop playing.For one day you will definitely win .And what matters the most is Whatever happens the game must go on ....

Very true dad though the subject of tamil has hardly any relevance to my life now the experience of facing a failure and standing back again was priceless. As you said it was just the beginning . There were a lot more failures in life . More painful ones including the day you left us ......

But however the game must go on ....

You taught me what life was all about . And the day when I was lying in your lap in an auto on the way to the hospital because I had food poisoning I saw your eyes and asked you something ..Do you remember... . "Dad , will I die " ...You gave me a smile and said it was just a normal food poisoning and there was nothing to worry ...I was relieved realizing my foolishness , but little did I know that the same question would again be asked ...

"Will I die ?"
But this time you were asking me . I didn't have an answer ... I just remember those eyes filled with tears and sorrow when you looked at me and said take care of your brothers and mom .

I am sorry dad I couldn't answer . I couldn't do anything ......

I am sorry dad...

In fact the year before that , I hardly spoke to you because I thought you were making a big fuss out of a small stone in your stomach or at least that is how you made me believe. I know now that you did it on purpose make us isolate you so that when you leave us we wont feel the pain . But now it pains more .

One fine day , You came up to me and said "Son , I have got cancer and may leave anytime .So I want you to be strong and take care if anything happens ". What strength you had dad .You said it in the most unassuming and nonchalant manner . But however those were not just words , they had slowly transformed themselves into my endless tears in front of our bathroom mirror , those sleepless nights that I spent staring at you for the fear that maybe I wont be able to see you the next morning , those never ending curses hailed at each and every god of each and every religion , those badminton rackets which are still lying amidst the cobwebs behind our bathroom door ......

Dad I miss you ...

And finally , you better be sorry to amma . While you were lying down peacefully inside the ICU with not even a battling of the eyelid , amma was struggling to keep her tears down as she was scrolling through some religious book frantically reciting each and every mantra . I could see through her sleep deprived puffed eyes the pain and the suffering . She finally broke down only to be aggravated by an ever increasing pacifying relatives . My body shudders even today whenever I am reminded of that . But however she is doing a great job in taking care of us. Amma has always been extremely strong both mentally and emotionally except for the few instances when ashwin asks her as to where you are . Ashwin still doesn't know about what had happened to you because he was just two years when you left us . But anyway , as you always said

The game must go on .........

Though we take amma for granted and always take her on a ride she somehow manages us all and does a great job . Good selection dad . You were a lucky guy .

I know you are there somewhere near us , keeping a watch and blessing us in all our endeavors...

I just wanted to say I love you dad and I miss you so much .....

love,
arun