Musings of an idle mind ...

Sometimes even the most humiliating questions lead to the most enlightening moments of your life . It was a long day . A very long one to be precise as I sat there waiting on a dust laden bench in pune railway station with a please-gimme-atleast-one-biscuit longing dog staring at me as I finished the last 'good day' biscuit . Well , the biscuits name strangely seemed to be mocking at me as I got reminded of the day ....

It was yet another interview , yet another pursuit for the MBA madness..Unfortunately , these gentlemen in the panel were interested in what I learnt in engineering( However I appreciate the thought !!! feels nice ) ... I struggled to remember a few basic theorems he had asked in electrical engineering (5 years is a really looong time...And phew ,what a eureka moment to realise that ) and of course later followed by a How-does-it-work question with his fingers pointing out to any object remotely connected to electricity in the room or rather was kept near an electrical plug point . I stared at him , with an inner voice replyin 'boss I am not your I-read-daily-lessons and an-electrical-engineer-is-what-I-always-wanted-to-be kinda guy , I am a normal , yet another part of the humble race of ppl who open their books a day before the exams , curse the author , drink the magic potion "tea" to stand against the travails of a closing eyelid and finally at the end of it all find the true joy in life when they see the P- for pass in their results"....Not even the such- deep-indepth knowledge ( ahem...ahem...) that I gained during my insightful engineering years came to my help , as the two years of life as a software professional had robbed me of the remaining so-called-electrical-knowledge .

"Kripya , dhyan dijiye " an abrupt voice ended my flashback . I flexed my muscles and lifted the huge bag that I had containing a shirt , a pant and my underwear . The girls stood there wowed at my ability to lift such a huge bag with such an ease . Or so I thought as the only other specimen whom I had previously introduced to you "the dog " ...yup the same one which was after my good day biscuit gave a bark which said "you better get lost before I ....(censored) "..

Thus with such a nice farewell I boarded the train and soon after was lying on the top berth enjoyin the little wafts of air which these old fans strangely still seem to produce .

Somewhere deep inside I was feeling a little bad for screwing the interview . And the question dawned " So what exactly was engineering all about if it was not for the circuits , motors or whatever ????

And slowly I drifted away ...

Those increasing ‘lub-dub’ sounds of my heart when I bunked a class for the first time in my life , those “macha , quick da ...the watchman might see us “ shouts as I crawled beneath the fence which was neatly cut by some kind hearted senior just enough for me to pass excluding my tummy , and after a 5 minute extreme-yoga-inhaling session I managed to pass through but unfortunately my jeans bore a small hole which would go on to become the only remains of the history of adventurous bunkings that followed , and those long journeys back to the city to watch ‘our kinda’ movies ....Those “wowwwwww.......” exasperation as we stood in the middle of satyam theatre gaping at mallika sherawat scorching the screens in Murder ,those few shouts that followed from behind which meant we better find our seats else the name of the movie might not just remain a coincidence ...Those gossips which went about the college as to who was with whom , and what did x do with y while z went on with q ....soon the gossip section at the end of the four years stood like – ABCDEFG ...XYZ and you just had to keep rearranging them ...those laments about ‘wont we ever get a girl friend ‘ ...those 5 minute glances at unknown faces and those 1 in a million probability where they get returned ....those classes which taught you the art of sleeping with eyes wide open , those gruelling lab sessions , record writing and finally those vivas where you learn the philosophy ‘when a rape is inevitable , its better to lie back and enjoy “ ...Those lovely friendships which you make ...a few which last ...a few which don’t ...the joy of discovering the chillness of the sea in a late evening at marina , those days when I felt why couldn’t life just stay like this as I blew the smoke from the lemon flavoured hookah ...the smoke that made everything around hazy , unclear but yet a sense of inner peace somehow strangely seemed to be there as the world that I had always known disappeared ... the juice shop at nungambakkam which provided the perfect inspiration to all our life’s useless philosophies on girls , beer ,bikes and porn...those cremation ceremonies for many a chicken at our own Loyola fast food ...those placement blues ...those gre,cat madness ...those football matches which took us through an entire year....Those love affairs , those fights , those disappointments , those failures ...Those inevitable fightbacks against life , just barely managing to stand after a lots of falls... Those once- in- a -blue -moon good scores ...and those......

Oops , I have reached Chennai and thanks to the benevolent soul who shook me up and ended the ‘happy-days’ movie of my life...

I slowly woke up as the answer dawned

So what exactly was engineering all about if it was not for the circuits , motors or whatever ????

“Two days with a 100 bucks second hand bakshi textbook from the moore market , and I would have answered each and every “how does this crap work “ questions.....But those lovely memories and moments of these 4 years ...hmmmm... College wasn't just about the motors ,the circuits ,the labs , thesemester exams ,the placements ....Its was about something else

It was about life....

And boy , I did live mine !!!!

A whiff of nostalgia ...

Sleepless nights ... swollen eyes.... half hearted break fasts .... 2 minute phone calls... unshaven 3 day beard .... endless ppt's and pages which keep flipping ...that inexplicable feeling you get the moment you see the question paper...That little smile that you carry thinking "Oh , thats the 3rd consecutive rape " ...three hours pass by only to hear "macha the paper was fucked up "...well , its not the paper that got fucked but ....hmm....the same old smile ....

There was not much I could do . I lay back on my cot unmidful of the papers and stationery scattered on it ...the dust laden fan sprung into action ...Hidden amongst one of the several unknown cities of India.. amongst the outskirts of trichy.. amongst the several hostel rooms.. in the one little corner of my room , I gave a deep breath as a whiff of chill breeze had still managed to find me ...The smell of moist sands filled the room as they greeted the rains ... I slowly stood up , looked through the window which let in some rays of light into the otherwise dimly lit room ...The zephyr again braced me ... I smiled . Reason ...I have no idea ...It felt special ...it felt nostalgic ...

The joy of watching the first 'kathi-kappal ' travelling through the muddy waters leaving ripples that got lost as I grew and people said you are a 'grown up'....The freedom of dancing in the rain as if no one was watching (except for my mom)....Those little kicks across the water filled potholes which left my white canvas shoe with a beautiful mixture of colors ..The colours of innocence , freedom , joy ....Those cricket matches played under the rains...Those celebrations where rain drenched T shirts hugged each other..Those rainy evenings when I cried for I loved someone more than myself ... Those days when I never let her know my tears from the rains ... Those walks in the rains when I held her hands ...those little drops which blessed her little finger and slowly fell on to mine ..Those little romances with life as I sped through the empty stretches of chennai on a rainy friday night ...those special moments which still keep lingering around somewhere in the dust laden chambers of our hearts....Those moments which keep reminding us there is still a child in us ...

I guess life is all about those special moments . Its not about the days we did something great . Its just about those days where we did simple things , but nevertheless loved doing them. Its about the days where we were 'us' ....The days when we really lived our hearts out , believed we could be whatever we wanted , had dreams , laughed our hearts out ,had wounded knees and fought back like a warrior .....

But as we grew up somehow the child in us got lost in search of the so called bigger things . We got more cynical , depressed , complained at the drop of the hat .And I am no exception .But hold on ...
Well , we still haven't lost it all. We still have a chance ...Dont we ??

And here comes my chance ...

I love the rains ...

And here I go ....whoaaaaaa

While I get drenched in the rains (probably after a very long time ) you keep discovering the child in u .

Life is always beautiful so keep smiling and keep enjoying...cheers

Oye ....ever been to heaven !!!

The speedometer showed a needle vibrating across the 100 kmph mark as I raced through the empty curves in ECR . The sea breeze filled with a little extra bit of moisture as there was the most-unexpected-rain in the afternoons of one of Chennai's most dreaded summer season, gave us company all along the empty landscapes bounded with hordes of pine trees on either sides alternating with the sea shores . The hoardings of the endless resorts and eat outs decorated each and every corner of ECR .

ECR is known for its speed and the breeze . Each and every time you are there its a whole new different journey . The never ending horizon with a promise of an exciting adventure , the cool zephyrs which passionately kiss you , the pumping of the heart when you drag your bike along with you in a bend, The touch and go escapades with the 'mamas' who stand with their speed guns - the stories are many ... I adjusted the rear view mirror as I caught hold of her face changing into different shapes under the impact of the wind .She was struggling to keep her hair down and at the same time hold herself on to the bike . "A bit slower , idiot ," her muffled voice mixed with the sound of the wind feebly entered my ears .

As I further accelerated my grip , her grip around me tightened . "Oye , ever been to heaven ," I shouted ... She smiled still struggling with the wind . "Well here we go " ...I bent myself almost kissing my tank . While I left the fury of the wind to take its target with full might . "Whooaaahhh" she shouted . The wind came roaring and she slowly spread out her hands as I kept the throttle at its maximum . "Ooohooooooo , I am flying " she laughed ...Her laughter echoed through the lonely stretches of ecr , across the dancing trees , through the cloudy skies and at last through the tunnels hidden deep inside my heart....... I slowly sat up . She was still laughing .

"Oye have you ever been to heaven ? " ... She came forward , bit a little bit of my right ear and whispered "Ya , just now ...I was in heaven ". As the breeze slowly brushed my ears, the little remains of moisture in my ears evaporated under the cold winds as I slowly got mesmerized . "Ya just now ...I was in heaven " the voice kept echoing in my ears.......

And so was I .......

It just seems like yesterday....

"Oye you are getting me wet," I shouted as yet another splash of water coming from her kicks across the silent sea drenched me . I kicked back sending the salty water right across her face. "Thu...thu," she started spitting , unable to withstand the salty taste . And a few seconds later both of us were trying different styles of kicks , trying to perfect the one which would help land the maximum amount of water on the other person. And the poses struck while trying these , ranging from the thakida-thaka-thimi-malayala-bhagawathi pose to the Oh-god-I-stamped-a-fresh-cowdung-pose held the attention of a lot many curious passerbys. ... .Soon I was there walking along the shores of besse , drenched like a pig , with the sandals on one hand and the two little soft fingers on the other .The bottom of the jeans which was initially folded in order to resemble the height level of the traditional Patta-patti shorts
(the one worn by Raj Kiran ) had slowly lowered itself and carried loads of wet sand along with it , thereby perfectly supplementing the slow drag of the foot along the shores . We laughed , hit each other in the softest way so as to just about qualify as a 'hit', shouted and again laughed . Honestly , I don't know why we always laugh ........

The walk neither had a place to start nor a destination , but the nomadic freedom of strolling along the shores in search of the 'nothing' ( maybe because I felt like I had everything) truly made it special . The entire screen of the skies seemed to open themselves , as the stage of the sea shore was all set to witness a little peek-a-boo into one amongst the so many simple yet beautiful moments of our lives .

The waves kept kissing our feet and as they retreated the feet got a little submerged in the sand followed by a wide scattered scampering of the crabs into their holes . This happened for a few times and soon the feet got entirely submerged . And as we took it out , the laughs continued . Those meaningless laughs which had only one reason . Love...We kept walking , as if we were the only ones on the beach having our own special moments . The breeze seemed to follow us wherever we went . The upturned dusty catamarans , the smell of bajjis , the little quiver each time a zephyr sails across the damp parts of the body , the joyous shouts of the children playing merry-go-round , the footprints that you leave behind on the wet sand , the little boys with bright smiles carrying the smell of sundal along with them , The balloons which strew the sands with the help of the beach breeze escaping the wrath of the shooters who stand with wooden guns ,the couples who get cozy in their own world oblivious of the stares of millions around them , the astrologers wanting to have a share of my sweethearts tiny little palms in the promise of predicting a bright future - forming the backdrop , I held her hands whispering the hope of a future ,while the little fingers played around and held to each other promising never to part .

The wet footprints left behind us slowly got washed away under the gentle waves . The never ending horizon loomed across the ocean forming a thin line between the sea and the sky as the sea covered the entire endless stretch that my eyes could span . The wounds of our past slowly healed and vanished just like those footprints with the hope of a future called 'us' slowly embarking upon the horizon .

"Oye ", I placed my palms on her cheeks with my luckiest index finger being the first to touch, and a little-less-luckier middle finger coming second . I slowly hushed away a few strands of her hair which were playing around in the wind and tucked them behind her left ear . She smiled as always . This was the ...err.. I had lost the count as to how many times I had done that on that day . It started a few hours back when we had gone to get her a pair of shades , and each and every time she wore one I used to follow the ritual . Her blush accompanied by the little bend in her curved eyebrows whispering me the unspoken words 'How is it ? "...She looked heavenly irrespective of the shades ..."Oye .. What happened " she shook me as I again went into daydreaming mode .

"Nothing ...its just that I got lost in you , yet again..... ,"I thought

Soon after , with a one leg broken chair holding the plate of beach bajjis , and two other chairs holding us , the madness called love continued , as we savored the 'onion bajjis ' of besse . The conversations which never had a topic for the last two years as always continued too .

It was at this same place a year back she came up with a strange request

"Can you write a poem for me? "

I obliged and immediately went on like ....

"You know what ???"

"what???"

"I love you a lot !!!!! ....."

No wonder she never spoke about poems from that day onwards .....

And suddenly since I remembered that , I gave her a wink and sending a bajji through my mouth I mumbled

"You know what???"

She gave a naughty look of nostalgia and shouted ,

"I love you a lottttttttttttttttttt.............."

The echoes of our laughter broke through the waves of the ocean ....

I guess those laughs are still alive, lost somewhere amongst the waves of besse and and each and everytime we go to besse , a few more laughs get added to our deposits of love amongst the several others in the waves of besse.....

In the canvass of 'our lives' the splash of colors of hope , love and joy spread as we thanked 'fate'-the artist' , who had indeed done a nice job .. I wish time had just frozen there ....

Those crazy days , meaningless laughs , even-an-ass-hole-would-write-better-than-you poems , aimless walks , never ending drives , heavenly whispers , naughty winks .....

It just seems like yesterday........

Even I had a story . . .

The tanned brownish roasted skin on my face shone under the scorching 2 pm sun with sweat giving the final touches to the excited face. "6 runs of two balls” , I heard my friend bala shout . All of us stood tensed on the field praying for the bowler to do the trick. He came running in like a giant and with a quick twirl of his arm , released the ball. Thud ...the ball went for a four . The thunderous applaud from the opposition deafened my ears . The dismayed looks on the bowlers face aggravated by a several fold frown on his forehead were of no respite to us. "Come on machan..." someone shouted from the field. Just a ball to go. A win wouldn't leave us with a diamond studded trophy , a million dollar prize money announced by the govt or a home at bandra . In fact it was more than that . It would leave us with respect , the honor of walking out of the ground with our heads high and the priceless joy of winning . The bowler wiped the fresh stream of sweat across his forehead. Silence enveloped the ground as all of us stood there tensed . The bowler slowly came running in and with each and every step , the heart beats slowly increased . We all took a deep breath as he released the ball . For the next few Milli seconds every heart stopped . "thud "...the batsmen swung his bat with his full might . "yeahhhhhhh" the ground roared . This time the deafening noise was much more deafening as I had my voice supplementing it .The batsmen was clean bowled . Joy is always described by subtle emotions . But this time the fury of joy teared upon the wildness hidden within us and we all ran towards the center , growling , hooting , whistling and finally the mad scramble ended in a huddle . The sweat from each others shirts , mystically combined to give the intoxicating smell of success . We all stood as one . Victory was ours . "Watha..." we all shouted in unison . The heads stood high and the hands with the fists closed were open towards the all encompassing skies . We had won ...
"Anna , ten rasna packets " I shouted to our indirect team sponsor Mani Anna, waving out the hard earned ten rupee note . "Looks like you guys have won," he jovially asked , handing us our precious rasna packets. "Can anyone beat us? " a victorious arrogant voice retorted back from one amongst us . The boisterous laughter followed with Mani Anna giving us company for everyone of us knew it was our only win after ten matches and that too by a whisker ."watha teamukku oru 'O' podu "..........."Oooooooooohhhhh"the thunder bolted again . What a feeling . I still couldn't believe we had won . I sipped the frozen rasna savoring the taste . After all it had come from my hard earned one rupee . Felt like heaven ....honestly.

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"Beep ,Beep " the mobile buzzed as I was sitting in my office cabin .

"Your account has been credited with Rs XXXXX "

It was the much awaited 31st of the month , but as always the strange sense of emptiness filled me . Its been 2 years and nothing seems to have changed , the emptiness keeps coming back , yet again . I sipped through the insipid tea churned by the coffeemaker , staring out at the vast emptiness of the skies through the stained glass window . A few birds flew happily flapping their wings against the winds , savoring their 'gifted' freedom of an unknown future .Yet another sip went in as I stared at those birds , at the vast blue skies , the stains on the window pane which created mystical blots on my vision of the skies .....I kept staring , lost in an enigmatic sadness which slowly traveled its way forming a lump in my throat .

How I wish ......


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With the bat resting on my shoulders just like you see in the mahabarata serial , I walked along with our team discussing the turning points of the match . We paraded the streets oblivious to the shouts of the autowallahs and other innocent passerbys . We were the winners . Soon the stomach-ache causing laughs followed as we tread to what we do the best - Pulling each one's legs . As always the usual targets of our team were the ones with the maximum carnage caused on their image . What a walk . The trees along the streets seemed to be dancing to our tunes , the vendors seemed to be singing , the breeze gently kissed us ...everyone and everything seemed to be perfect . The laughs , The pride and joy of victory walked alongside with us ....And why not , after all we were the winners

Probably the best walk I ever had in my life........

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There I was walking alone on the lonely streets of kolkata with just a stray dog giving me company on the hope of some food . A chill wind blew ruffling my hair and I gently closed my eyes for a second . And strangely there was no difference . The darkness had already set in . The slow steps , the longing heart which had become a slave to money and the desires buried long back combined themselves and mixed along with the chill wind whispering elegies of unknown languages into my ears . Finally , I reached the ATM , took out some money . Looking at the crisp 100 rupee notes I faked a smile ........yet again.

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"Ma , we won . I hit a six of sudheer's ball . It went off like ............." this was the fourth time I was telling her the same story . Still she listened with the same interest and curiosity . I hugged her and slowly went off to sleep . I dreamt about the match , The last wicket ,the sixes , the dive catches the rasna , the look on the opponent's face.......The entire match had a re telecast in my mind . I kept dreaming .

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I struggled to get sleep as I kept rolling from one side to the other . "Where will my manager ask me to go tomorrow ? Why the fuck am I here ? Why do I have to do this ? Shall I resign ? But its a lot of money . Will I get another job ? What will the world think of me ? Am I a loser???????? . With a storm inside me , I opened my eyes staring at the whirling ceiling fan - my only companion during those several sleepless nights. The clock showed 3 a.m .
Life was a mess.......


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"Ma I am going to play "....
"But its only 6 a.m ..." and before the sleepy voice of my mom could complete I was excitedly walking on towards our ground . Yup , our ground . I kept hitting shadow sixes throughout my walk . "Hi da , lets start " a friend of mine called out .The sun was at its merciless best as always .But who cares , we could brave the heat , the rains and the winds . After all , we were the winners ..... We played for the entire day and cursed it for ending so soon . It felt great and each passing day was a delight.

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"Oh god , Its 7 a.m already ", I banged the alarm , gave a frown which encompasses all the synonyms of frustration . I hoped the day had never begun . Hoped it would end soon . The mechanical life had begun yet again . The running had to start . The leather shoes ,the uncomfortable formals , the ID card which proclaimed me to be a software engineer hung across my neck . I gobbled a banana and set off for 'yet another day' .......

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Well , Its just been sometime and how much life has changed . Those days of joy , dreams , freedom , curiosity have slowly been filled with anxiety , frustration and sadness . As I write this I realize slowly how much I have really missed enjoying life for its simplest pleasures in the mad chase for money which promises the 'mirage' of a secured future and happiness . There were times when I realized there was something majorly wrong in the way I was living my life and I started looking for solace in the endless list of self-help books . But nothing seemed to help . But today as I took some time to dwell into my past , and my so called stories of my life , strangely it had all the answers to my unanswered questions . And I slowly realized the true answer to our search lies within us - Within the stories in which we were the heroes , and within the ones we dismissed of as too trivial . Well we are all heroes , and the stories we all have are one of the best ones ever . As I ponder over my so-called stories , I have finally decided . I am just one week away from my resignation .

After two long years , this day I did what I always wanted to do . Though I am financially poorer , no more a part of the esteemed industry , no more a respected person amongst my family , no more a sensible person according to the society ....I am finally free . Free to do whatever I like just like how I was ten years back . Free from my master called money . I am not really sure how long it will be before I go back to my master . But now at this moment I am free ...And this blog is a humble beginning for my new dream . Beyond the scolds from my English teacher who thought I was a too dumb to write , the fear of what people might think , and beyond my own doubts of whether I could really write something a little better than crap (honestly , I still have it each time I write ) I finally decided to go ahead . And it seriously feels great each and every time I sit down to write . And its heaven when I receive a few comments and the thought "maybe it is just a little better than crap " crops up ( Though I am still not really sure ) .But nevertheless finally I went ahead and did it. And what a difference it made . I finally had the courage to do something just for me . And for those who have read till here , thanks a lot , for unknowingly , you have made someone believe in his dreams and follow his heart. Its just not about the blog , its just about making time to do things which we always loved doing but kept postponing because of the fear of what others might think and because of the innumerable reasons we thought about as to why we wont be able to do it . But finally after all these years a little 5 minutes that I spent while walking across my old school playground , which brought in all those sweet memories , has taught me what I was missing all these days . It was the courage to go about and do something which you really enjoy . For once, finally , I didn't do something for money or to spruce my resume or to impress someone . Feels great......

And if in case you ppl ever get some time off , try switching off your mobile phones , go to your terrace , lie down for once without bothering about the dress getting dirty , plug in a pink floyd , feel the cool breeze in your hair and try recollecting those wonderful stories you had where you were the heroes or heroines, where you did everything you dreamt off , where you wandered with the spirit of an adventurer enjoying the warmth of the sunny afternoons , where you cycled your way towards freedom , nursed your wounds from the first fall like a warrior....The ones which your heart always died to tell to the world and most importantly to YOU . Each of us have a story to tell hidden there somewhere deep within the dust laden chambers of our hearts and you never know your story might just be the answer to what you were always searching for , just like how it happened to me .

For all the heroes and heroines , that's it for now , keep cherishing those golden days while I shall be back soon .

P.S : sorry for the long post

How I wish ....

There were people running around here and there. The smell of jasmine swept through the entire house . The ladies had their oiled haired pinned down in the traditional kerela style and the white sarees made them look even more beautiful . The men were at their smartest best , with the traditional shirts and 'mundu' and kept talking as always with an I-know -everything arrogance . The ladies scampered here and there spelling out the names of different things like the fruits , the steel thattu and so on , along with concern about their whereabouts . The younger members of the family were eagerly clinging on the balcony grill waiting for the first sight of a white ambassador . The scene out there with different fruits and sweets arriving each and every passing moment would have led anyone to mistake it for a home-version of coimbedu market .

"They have come " the young voices shouted . The voices echoed through the halls , kitchens and finally through the bedroom where the bride was getting ready . The word 'commotion' no where did justice to what was happening now . People got frenzied and started giving the final touches to the positioning of various almirahs , bedsheets , chairs , tables ...But honestly most of them were exactly at the same position even after the final touches . The laughter of excitement , curiosity emanated from the brides bedroom . The so called big shots of the family stood at the steps welcoming the huge groups of people who had accompanied the groom . "Welcome " they all recited at different intervals .

Soon the people had taken their position. The calenders fluttered with the ladies searching for the auspicious time while the elders kept conversing . At one lone corner of the room , through the window panes which smelt of fresh paint , two beautiful eyes tried to sneak in through the numerous heads ,trying to get a first glance of the one with whom the remaining life was going to be blessed with . Amidst the smiles and giggles , the bride somehow managed to get a small space through the heads .

He sat there elegantly dressed in black bell bottoms , and a crisply ironed white shirt . His big moustache handsomely complemented his face and he looked around the room when he got a few second respite from the array of questions posed at him . Just as his eyes scanned the room and were about to return back to the set of people , he saw those two lovely peeping eyes which sent the promise of a life together and the excitement and commitment of a joyous future . The two eyes met for maybe a few seconds , and love was in the air instantaneously ( and of course the music "run thana num thana " - the one from old Ilayaraja hits played through the background ) .

"Ask the girl to come " one amongst the elders had called .The entire crowd stood silenced as they waited with bated breath to see the girl . The girl came with a few new stainless steel glasses filled with coffee , whose aroma mystically mixed with the eagerness in her eyes transforming itself into a all-encompassing smile . And suddenly ..."thud " somebody hits and the coffee spills over .

"Idiot what are you doing" . Rubbing the remains of the coffee drops on my shorts I flashed a black and white photo to my mom . It was the wedding day photo of my mom and dad which I had discovered while cleaning the almirah. "I was just wondering how your engagement must have been " and gave a sly smile . She gave me a nostalgic smile and nodded her head getting lost in her thoughts about past...."Idiot " she slowly whispered in a chocking voice and left the room with the smile intact. As she left the room , I saw the picture of my dad hanging amidst a few garlanded flowers on the wall . I gave a deep sigh......

How I wish .....

What a maggi !!!

Knowing her penchant for laziness I had my doubts as to whether she could cook . But dismissing all my doubts , "I know to make maggi " she replied . I dont know if I-know-to-prepare-maggi would be considered anywhere close to the art of cooking . But the fact that I was impressed by it would let you form an idea about how much I knew about cooking . I always preffered the final step in cooking . Eating .

Now that the great cook was a maggi expert I cut the maggi packet and broke down the maggi amidst thunderous applauds from her . I bowed to show my respect and gently told "now you proceed madam". "Oh , but I dont know to operate the gas ". Now the man in me had to come out to the front . I did all the necessary permutation and combination and finally gave her a smile of victory . And I quickly dialled my mom to get the details on how to operate the gas . "Thu " the spit narrowly missed my face ...

Soon with the gas burning , we were all set to cook our first lunch . After 5 minutes of reciting the process from the torn maggi packet and yet another five minutes of anxious wait ( the one where you walk across here and there in front of a maternity ward ), the maggi was ready .

I took two plates and she gave a stern look after which I dumped one plate back to where it was . Slowly we emptied the so-called-maggi into the single plate . Had it been a little more solid I would have rolled it into a banana. Anyway just like the ones who had never seen food , the two forks fought across each and every corner of the plate picking each and every noodle . In 3 minutes the , best lunch of my life had got over. I looked at her and gave her a smile .

I slowly took the maggi wrapper and read the ingredients ,
A little bit of maggi ,
A small amount of water ,
A little bit of masala ,
A little bit of chopped vegetables ,

And I gave a pause , looked at her..

"And loads of love " we shouted in unison and soon after the laughs filled the room.......

What a maggi !!!!!

Smile please !!!

What do you do when the person who taught you to walk , walks away from the world in front of your eyes ?

What do you do when your best friend walks away with the one you loved the most ?

What do you do when your last respite , your gang of friends , break up all of a sudden ?

What do you do when you meet with an accident which almost took your life and leaves you with a scarred face ?

What do you do when your marks go plummeting and you start thinking you are a loser?

What do you do when all of this happen at the same time ?

What do you when you don't have a single soul whom you can call and say " my life is fucked " ?

What do you do when in spite of all this you are supposed to make people laugh while you are crying within ?

..........

Give up ......

That's precisely what I did 4 years back .

Sometimes life seems to be so cruel that it keeps delivering blows one after the other . I fell down . And it hurt . While I tried to stand up . There was yet another blow . Much stronger and more painful . I still tried to stand . But only to be put down by yet another blow . I didn't know what to do . I was lost . Someone told me "never love someone with all your heart . It hurts " .. I laughed . But now everything had changed . It really hurt . And for once I couldn't rebuff it since I knew the pain . Days passed with the strange loneliness and the stone like heart getting even more harder .

It was yet another day in the february of 2005 , when floyd was playing from the speakers at the corner of my room . And slowly as I got lost in the music , I looked out through the balcony , staring at my orphaned dust coated unicorn , which looked like a lost soul searching for an oasis in the middle of the desert .

A year back it meant the whole life to me . I still remember the way I used to clean , one speck of dust and I would be vigorously rubbing it with all might immediately till it shone at par with the rest of the bike. One scratch and I would have sleepless nights as if someone had hurt me . A small sound from the bike and I would make the life of the mechanic , hell .The feelings of joy that I got the first time I gave the throttle ,the silent vroom sound it made when it started , The feeling of owning a bike , the proud trips across the city roads ,the bends we made together ...priceless ..." Honey I am not going to forget you after all I still do love you " I thought to myself trying to push aside the loneliness which had engulfed me .

A few minutes later , it was us , taking a ride through the roads of heaven or so it felt . The sun shone brightly , the traffic snared and we slowly beat each and every vehicle consoling each other and the much needed hope seemed to be coming from each other . We screeched to a halt as the lights had gone red .

I adjusted my coolers and casually glanced across . The heart beats stopped for a second . A waft of cool breeze scurried across the hot afternoon and swept across me . Standing at the front of the signal right across me on the other side was someone in a red scooty . A churidhar which was a combination of blue and white , lovely brown eyes , curved eyebrows , a flawless perfection which took the form of her face , the silky black hair that seemed to flow and a cute crooked nose . Well that was the nearest , I ever will get to see God . She casually kept playing with her hair as my heart fluttered .. I prayed that she should take her left since I was going that way and that would mean I could savor her beauty for a few more precious minutes . The signal turned green for her . I waited with bated breath . She slowly gave the throttle and the angel just went past me . And as unlucky as I could get , she took her right . But while she passed across me , she turned maybe for a second or lesser than that , and she gave a smile . Must have been the mildest version of a smile but still she gave smile . I fell in love instantaneously . Slowly she faded as the distance between us grew and she merged with the traffic . "honk" a loud noice brought me back to life and I gave my throttle and slowly crossed the signal taking the right , exactly the opposite road she had taken .

Well ,though , this was probably the shortest love story I ever had or would probably not qualify for a story but it taught me one important thing . I still could love . I could love with the same passion and intensity though it was just for a minute . Hope was back again . There still was more to life beyond what I was seeing . And though the entire world I personally knew had given up on me , a smile from mysterious stranger had brought me back to life . How strange , but how true ....

Sometimes even the smallest of gestures from a stranger can completely change your life . So whatever be the problems in our life never forget to smile . You never know who might be falling in love with your smile . And irrespective of whether you are black , white , ugly , fat, lean , tall , short or anything else , the remedy is not in a fairness cream or a weight loss medicine , its much more cheaper and easily available . Its in your smile . Just a simple , straight-from-the-heart smile and you are the most beautiful person on the world . And you never know whose life you might just be changing .

So , keep smiling , come what may...

P.S:
It's been 4 years and I still search for her everytime I cross the signal ...and maybe one fine day........(smiles...)

Memories of love

"Dad what's this " his son called out to him referring to an old diary that he had discovered while playing in the store room . "Nothing da ...Its papa's old diary ...You go and play now"...
He dusted the cobwebs that had settled over the cover. It was not just the diary alone that the cobwebs had settled , the painful truth dawned on him ... And he slowly opened it with a heavy heart ...

December 31 ,1970

Dear diary ,
The chill winds of december kissed through the lonely streets , the deserted alleys , the roads , the open windows of the homes and finally a small place behind the old motor room . Far and away from the vagaries and madness of the city there she was , standing close to me . For the first time , I felt her breath . Her hot breath fought with the cold zephyr for a little space on my small , round face. Never before had I stood so close to her . I could smell the mesmerizing fragrance of talc from her . "Ouch , Sandya you are too close I guess ," I whispered .But she wasn't listening rather she was busy looking elsewhere as if waiting for someone to come. Suddenly I heard a few footsteps coming near . She came closer .The footsteps were those of ajay as he was the catcher in the game of hide and seek . There was hardly any place to stand for one , leave alone two .She pressed herself against my body as she struggled not to be seen outside . A drop of sweat from my forehead fell on her cheeks . "Sshhh" she whispered as she pressed herself harder against my body . I felt a weird weakening feel in my heart as if someone was pulling it from inside . The footsteps got louder . Her breathing got faster and I could feel it getting hotter with each and every breath . She came closer than the word 'closest' would ever signify . Wondered , if anything could ever come between us . Didn't know why ,I slowly kept my hands around her and embraced her gently . I closed my eyes . She must have said something . Strangely I couldn't hear . The moment of eternity was blessed by the fragrance of the rusty old motor and her's combined together .Slowly the footsteps faded . I opened my eyes . I saw her eyes closed and face pressed against my heart as if she was listening to each and every unspoken word it had to say . And I slowly realized that she had her arms around me . The strange music of silence was playing in the background . I savored the moment which whispered the incomprehensible secrets of love to us . Though we were too young to understand what it meant, we knew it was divine . The tranquility extended for a time which strangely seemed to have set the seconds hand of the clock in the reverse direction . We both stood there as 'us' for the first time . The chill wind blew again ...

November 16th , 1984 ,

Dear diary,
The azure sky met the deep blue sea over the extending horizon . The sky looked brighter than usual maybe it had a premonition that today was a special day . I smiled at the thought . The unusually silent waves smoothly merged with the clouds , painting a picture perfect back-drop . Standing amidst the beautiful backdrop , were two young hearts savoring the beauty of nature and wondering where these simple joys had been hidden all these days . As the waves made various patterns , a chill breeze came sailing and shook the strands of hair covering her forehead. She looked beautiful . Her eyes spoke the strange language of love . The sound of the waves , the ubiquitous smell of beach and the glittering sands which shone in the sun added to the grandiose of the moment . I stood there silently contemplating about a future with 'my sandya ' . I looked at her . She smiled . Or did she . I wasn't sure . I held her hands . My fingers could feel the moisture in her palms . It was cold and the smoothness of the palms were enhanced by the moisture . My fingers played around , while my heart kept slipping an inch downwards with each and every touch. There were unknown sensations playing around my entire body as my mind had become numb . I looked into her eyes . She was smiling and this time I was sure because the smile was from her eyes. "I love you ," The wind made my whisper even more feeble giving it the much needed romantic tone . A cold wave sweetly kissed our feet making it wet . She kept looking at me . And with each and every passing second the tranquility and numbness transcended to a different plane .I felt the grip on her fingers tighten softly . Through the moisture laden eyes , she whispered something . A cold wave blew , and the the waves again kissed our feet . "I love you , too " the melancholic tone from her sweet lips kept echoing through the abandoned boats , the never ending sea , the light house , the sandy shores , the sea shells and the azure skies which engulfed us . The artist called 'fate' , was painting this colorful picture called 'love ' on the canvass of our 'lives ' . The chill wind blew again..........

May 2, 1986,

Dear diary ,
The vision was blurred . I couldn't see anything . There was a storm brewing inside me . And strangely on the outside , an enigmatic silence seemed to engulf me. And vaguely I could see the letter 'S' magnifying in and out of proportion . And just like the seamless flow of the river , the letters kept magnifying one after the other . . Sandya . The name slowly seemed to be appearing as the tear drop slowly strolled across the name on her wedding card .

The entire world had stopped for a second . I knew this day would come . But how ever much you prepare yourself , this moment shatters all the strength you had . My Sandya would never be mine . Did I say 'my Sandya' . A nauseating smell of alcohol came from the glass in front of me . "My sandya " I thought as I gulped the entire glass without remorse .

It still pained . Not like the usual pain when you fell on the ground and bruised your knees . This time the bruise wasn't seen . But I felt it . No amount of alcohol seemed to be soothing it . Instead it seemed to get more agonizing . "I love you " I heard her say, what seemed just to be yesterday . But today its all vanished with the cruel veil of fate uncovering itself on my life ....

I am a proud man . But today I fail . The tears rolled down . I didnt want them to stop . A lump formed across my throat , and as my mouth was drying up I gasped for air . "I love you ...but why did you do this to me", my motionless , ghostly white face whispered to the unknown . The chill breeze blew , yet again, but for the last time.......

...........................................................................

Its been 20 years since ....He never got the answer . He slowly closed the diary .A drop of tear made a blot on the otherwise dusty cover .

"Dad , sandya is beating me ..Tell her to stop plz " his son called out to him complaining about his elder daughter .

You heard it right...

Few memories never fade into oblivion .........