From me to you ...

Thousands of kutti kutti fights ...

Hundreds of misunderstandings ...
Loads of possesiveness....
A few heart shattering moments ...
A little bit of ego clashes...

That sudden thought of losing it all ...

and its been three years ...

nothing seems to have changed ..

or did it ??


We survived through everything...through every bit of the joy and the pain..through each and every struggle , blows and falls ...nursing each others wounds , growing stronger day by day , sometimes hurting each other in the process ...what started off just as yet another college love story , maybe went a bit too far was what the entire world thought ...or to be frank thats what we ourselves thought but time had its own plans and got its magic woven into our lives ...

three years is a pretty long time .Lots of things changed ...

those lovely walks along the college road .....
those lovely roadside teas...
those astrology sessions at the beach..
those days when I spent the entire day cleaning my bike just because I was supposed to go out with you the next day...
those days when the wallets were empty but the hearts were full ....
those days when I rode across 20 km just to wave a single 'hi' ...
those days when the phone bills kept raising while I always felt we never spoke enough ...
those lovely afternoons where we roamed around the streets of anna nagar in search of an abandoned puppy ...
those evenings when I held your hands wishing on the sun that set across the horizon...
those nights which taught me what missing someone really meant....

and finally along with all these ....

yet another thing changed ...

......US.....

I started chasing a career , money and a few more of things which I never could decipher...In the journey that followed I made a few sacrifices , made a few choices , made a lot of blunders...

And I thought it was always for that someone ...

for that you...

but little did I know it wasnt what you wanted ....you wanted somethin else..it was not about gettin back those walks or talks ...though from heart there isnt a day that passes where I do not wish for those moments...it was more than that ...it was about the spirit ...it was about that zest for life which we both had ...that beauty which we saw in those chill zephyrs , that cold waves which splashed across our feet and that one last phone call each night....it was about the joy of living each moment ...we really did own the world though for a very small time ...and somewhere along the way we got lost admist work pressures , CTC's , careers , onsite and what not...

But at this moment , as I sit along the low parapet walls of my terrace crisscrossing my legs and savoring the hot tea with the chill breeze giving me company thanks to the cocunut trees , there is just one thing I would like to say ...

There is just one little, insignificant thing that still hasn't changed ...

"I STILL LOVE YOU ".......

Oye ....ever been to heaven !!!

The speedometer showed a needle vibrating across the 100 kmph mark as I raced through the empty curves in ECR . The sea breeze filled with a little extra bit of moisture as there was the most-unexpected-rain in the afternoons of one of Chennai's most dreaded summer season, gave us company all along the empty landscapes bounded with hordes of pine trees on either sides alternating with the sea shores . The hoardings of the endless resorts and eat outs decorated each and every corner of ECR .

ECR is known for its speed and the breeze . Each and every time you are there its a whole new different journey . The never ending horizon with a promise of an exciting adventure , the cool zephyrs which passionately kiss you , the pumping of the heart when you drag your bike along with you in a bend, The touch and go escapades with the 'mamas' who stand with their speed guns - the stories are many ... I adjusted the rear view mirror as I caught hold of her face changing into different shapes under the impact of the wind .She was struggling to keep her hair down and at the same time hold herself on to the bike . "A bit slower , idiot ," her muffled voice mixed with the sound of the wind feebly entered my ears .

As I further accelerated my grip , her grip around me tightened . "Oye , ever been to heaven ," I shouted ... She smiled still struggling with the wind . "Well here we go " ...I bent myself almost kissing my tank . While I left the fury of the wind to take its target with full might . "Whooaaahhh" she shouted . The wind came roaring and she slowly spread out her hands as I kept the throttle at its maximum . "Ooohooooooo , I am flying " she laughed ...Her laughter echoed through the lonely stretches of ecr , across the dancing trees , through the cloudy skies and at last through the tunnels hidden deep inside my heart....... I slowly sat up . She was still laughing .

"Oye have you ever been to heaven ? " ... She came forward , bit a little bit of my right ear and whispered "Ya , just now ...I was in heaven ". As the breeze slowly brushed my ears, the little remains of moisture in my ears evaporated under the cold winds as I slowly got mesmerized . "Ya just now ...I was in heaven " the voice kept echoing in my ears.......

And so was I .......

It just seems like yesterday....

"Oye you are getting me wet," I shouted as yet another splash of water coming from her kicks across the silent sea drenched me . I kicked back sending the salty water right across her face. "Thu...thu," she started spitting , unable to withstand the salty taste . And a few seconds later both of us were trying different styles of kicks , trying to perfect the one which would help land the maximum amount of water on the other person. And the poses struck while trying these , ranging from the thakida-thaka-thimi-malayala-bhagawathi pose to the Oh-god-I-stamped-a-fresh-cowdung-pose held the attention of a lot many curious passerbys. ... .Soon I was there walking along the shores of besse , drenched like a pig , with the sandals on one hand and the two little soft fingers on the other .The bottom of the jeans which was initially folded in order to resemble the height level of the traditional Patta-patti shorts
(the one worn by Raj Kiran ) had slowly lowered itself and carried loads of wet sand along with it , thereby perfectly supplementing the slow drag of the foot along the shores . We laughed , hit each other in the softest way so as to just about qualify as a 'hit', shouted and again laughed . Honestly , I don't know why we always laugh ........

The walk neither had a place to start nor a destination , but the nomadic freedom of strolling along the shores in search of the 'nothing' ( maybe because I felt like I had everything) truly made it special . The entire screen of the skies seemed to open themselves , as the stage of the sea shore was all set to witness a little peek-a-boo into one amongst the so many simple yet beautiful moments of our lives .

The waves kept kissing our feet and as they retreated the feet got a little submerged in the sand followed by a wide scattered scampering of the crabs into their holes . This happened for a few times and soon the feet got entirely submerged . And as we took it out , the laughs continued . Those meaningless laughs which had only one reason . Love...We kept walking , as if we were the only ones on the beach having our own special moments . The breeze seemed to follow us wherever we went . The upturned dusty catamarans , the smell of bajjis , the little quiver each time a zephyr sails across the damp parts of the body , the joyous shouts of the children playing merry-go-round , the footprints that you leave behind on the wet sand , the little boys with bright smiles carrying the smell of sundal along with them , The balloons which strew the sands with the help of the beach breeze escaping the wrath of the shooters who stand with wooden guns ,the couples who get cozy in their own world oblivious of the stares of millions around them , the astrologers wanting to have a share of my sweethearts tiny little palms in the promise of predicting a bright future - forming the backdrop , I held her hands whispering the hope of a future ,while the little fingers played around and held to each other promising never to part .

The wet footprints left behind us slowly got washed away under the gentle waves . The never ending horizon loomed across the ocean forming a thin line between the sea and the sky as the sea covered the entire endless stretch that my eyes could span . The wounds of our past slowly healed and vanished just like those footprints with the hope of a future called 'us' slowly embarking upon the horizon .

"Oye ", I placed my palms on her cheeks with my luckiest index finger being the first to touch, and a little-less-luckier middle finger coming second . I slowly hushed away a few strands of her hair which were playing around in the wind and tucked them behind her left ear . She smiled as always . This was the ...err.. I had lost the count as to how many times I had done that on that day . It started a few hours back when we had gone to get her a pair of shades , and each and every time she wore one I used to follow the ritual . Her blush accompanied by the little bend in her curved eyebrows whispering me the unspoken words 'How is it ? "...She looked heavenly irrespective of the shades ..."Oye .. What happened " she shook me as I again went into daydreaming mode .

"Nothing ...its just that I got lost in you , yet again..... ,"I thought

Soon after , with a one leg broken chair holding the plate of beach bajjis , and two other chairs holding us , the madness called love continued , as we savored the 'onion bajjis ' of besse . The conversations which never had a topic for the last two years as always continued too .

It was at this same place a year back she came up with a strange request

"Can you write a poem for me? "

I obliged and immediately went on like ....

"You know what ???"

"what???"

"I love you a lot !!!!! ....."

No wonder she never spoke about poems from that day onwards .....

And suddenly since I remembered that , I gave her a wink and sending a bajji through my mouth I mumbled

"You know what???"

She gave a naughty look of nostalgia and shouted ,

"I love you a lottttttttttttttttttt.............."

The echoes of our laughter broke through the waves of the ocean ....

I guess those laughs are still alive, lost somewhere amongst the waves of besse and and each and everytime we go to besse , a few more laughs get added to our deposits of love amongst the several others in the waves of besse.....

In the canvass of 'our lives' the splash of colors of hope , love and joy spread as we thanked 'fate'-the artist' , who had indeed done a nice job .. I wish time had just frozen there ....

Those crazy days , meaningless laughs , even-an-ass-hole-would-write-better-than-you poems , aimless walks , never ending drives , heavenly whispers , naughty winks .....

It just seems like yesterday........

How I wish ....

There were people running around here and there. The smell of jasmine swept through the entire house . The ladies had their oiled haired pinned down in the traditional kerela style and the white sarees made them look even more beautiful . The men were at their smartest best , with the traditional shirts and 'mundu' and kept talking as always with an I-know -everything arrogance . The ladies scampered here and there spelling out the names of different things like the fruits , the steel thattu and so on , along with concern about their whereabouts . The younger members of the family were eagerly clinging on the balcony grill waiting for the first sight of a white ambassador . The scene out there with different fruits and sweets arriving each and every passing moment would have led anyone to mistake it for a home-version of coimbedu market .

"They have come " the young voices shouted . The voices echoed through the halls , kitchens and finally through the bedroom where the bride was getting ready . The word 'commotion' no where did justice to what was happening now . People got frenzied and started giving the final touches to the positioning of various almirahs , bedsheets , chairs , tables ...But honestly most of them were exactly at the same position even after the final touches . The laughter of excitement , curiosity emanated from the brides bedroom . The so called big shots of the family stood at the steps welcoming the huge groups of people who had accompanied the groom . "Welcome " they all recited at different intervals .

Soon the people had taken their position. The calenders fluttered with the ladies searching for the auspicious time while the elders kept conversing . At one lone corner of the room , through the window panes which smelt of fresh paint , two beautiful eyes tried to sneak in through the numerous heads ,trying to get a first glance of the one with whom the remaining life was going to be blessed with . Amidst the smiles and giggles , the bride somehow managed to get a small space through the heads .

He sat there elegantly dressed in black bell bottoms , and a crisply ironed white shirt . His big moustache handsomely complemented his face and he looked around the room when he got a few second respite from the array of questions posed at him . Just as his eyes scanned the room and were about to return back to the set of people , he saw those two lovely peeping eyes which sent the promise of a life together and the excitement and commitment of a joyous future . The two eyes met for maybe a few seconds , and love was in the air instantaneously ( and of course the music "run thana num thana " - the one from old Ilayaraja hits played through the background ) .

"Ask the girl to come " one amongst the elders had called .The entire crowd stood silenced as they waited with bated breath to see the girl . The girl came with a few new stainless steel glasses filled with coffee , whose aroma mystically mixed with the eagerness in her eyes transforming itself into a all-encompassing smile . And suddenly ..."thud " somebody hits and the coffee spills over .

"Idiot what are you doing" . Rubbing the remains of the coffee drops on my shorts I flashed a black and white photo to my mom . It was the wedding day photo of my mom and dad which I had discovered while cleaning the almirah. "I was just wondering how your engagement must have been " and gave a sly smile . She gave me a nostalgic smile and nodded her head getting lost in her thoughts about past...."Idiot " she slowly whispered in a chocking voice and left the room with the smile intact. As she left the room , I saw the picture of my dad hanging amidst a few garlanded flowers on the wall . I gave a deep sigh......

How I wish .....

What a maggi !!!

Knowing her penchant for laziness I had my doubts as to whether she could cook . But dismissing all my doubts , "I know to make maggi " she replied . I dont know if I-know-to-prepare-maggi would be considered anywhere close to the art of cooking . But the fact that I was impressed by it would let you form an idea about how much I knew about cooking . I always preffered the final step in cooking . Eating .

Now that the great cook was a maggi expert I cut the maggi packet and broke down the maggi amidst thunderous applauds from her . I bowed to show my respect and gently told "now you proceed madam". "Oh , but I dont know to operate the gas ". Now the man in me had to come out to the front . I did all the necessary permutation and combination and finally gave her a smile of victory . And I quickly dialled my mom to get the details on how to operate the gas . "Thu " the spit narrowly missed my face ...

Soon with the gas burning , we were all set to cook our first lunch . After 5 minutes of reciting the process from the torn maggi packet and yet another five minutes of anxious wait ( the one where you walk across here and there in front of a maternity ward ), the maggi was ready .

I took two plates and she gave a stern look after which I dumped one plate back to where it was . Slowly we emptied the so-called-maggi into the single plate . Had it been a little more solid I would have rolled it into a banana. Anyway just like the ones who had never seen food , the two forks fought across each and every corner of the plate picking each and every noodle . In 3 minutes the , best lunch of my life had got over. I looked at her and gave her a smile .

I slowly took the maggi wrapper and read the ingredients ,
A little bit of maggi ,
A small amount of water ,
A little bit of masala ,
A little bit of chopped vegetables ,

And I gave a pause , looked at her..

"And loads of love " we shouted in unison and soon after the laughs filled the room.......

What a maggi !!!!!

Memories of love

"Dad what's this " his son called out to him referring to an old diary that he had discovered while playing in the store room . "Nothing da ...Its papa's old diary ...You go and play now"...
He dusted the cobwebs that had settled over the cover. It was not just the diary alone that the cobwebs had settled , the painful truth dawned on him ... And he slowly opened it with a heavy heart ...

December 31 ,1970

Dear diary ,
The chill winds of december kissed through the lonely streets , the deserted alleys , the roads , the open windows of the homes and finally a small place behind the old motor room . Far and away from the vagaries and madness of the city there she was , standing close to me . For the first time , I felt her breath . Her hot breath fought with the cold zephyr for a little space on my small , round face. Never before had I stood so close to her . I could smell the mesmerizing fragrance of talc from her . "Ouch , Sandya you are too close I guess ," I whispered .But she wasn't listening rather she was busy looking elsewhere as if waiting for someone to come. Suddenly I heard a few footsteps coming near . She came closer .The footsteps were those of ajay as he was the catcher in the game of hide and seek . There was hardly any place to stand for one , leave alone two .She pressed herself against my body as she struggled not to be seen outside . A drop of sweat from my forehead fell on her cheeks . "Sshhh" she whispered as she pressed herself harder against my body . I felt a weird weakening feel in my heart as if someone was pulling it from inside . The footsteps got louder . Her breathing got faster and I could feel it getting hotter with each and every breath . She came closer than the word 'closest' would ever signify . Wondered , if anything could ever come between us . Didn't know why ,I slowly kept my hands around her and embraced her gently . I closed my eyes . She must have said something . Strangely I couldn't hear . The moment of eternity was blessed by the fragrance of the rusty old motor and her's combined together .Slowly the footsteps faded . I opened my eyes . I saw her eyes closed and face pressed against my heart as if she was listening to each and every unspoken word it had to say . And I slowly realized that she had her arms around me . The strange music of silence was playing in the background . I savored the moment which whispered the incomprehensible secrets of love to us . Though we were too young to understand what it meant, we knew it was divine . The tranquility extended for a time which strangely seemed to have set the seconds hand of the clock in the reverse direction . We both stood there as 'us' for the first time . The chill wind blew again ...

November 16th , 1984 ,

Dear diary,
The azure sky met the deep blue sea over the extending horizon . The sky looked brighter than usual maybe it had a premonition that today was a special day . I smiled at the thought . The unusually silent waves smoothly merged with the clouds , painting a picture perfect back-drop . Standing amidst the beautiful backdrop , were two young hearts savoring the beauty of nature and wondering where these simple joys had been hidden all these days . As the waves made various patterns , a chill breeze came sailing and shook the strands of hair covering her forehead. She looked beautiful . Her eyes spoke the strange language of love . The sound of the waves , the ubiquitous smell of beach and the glittering sands which shone in the sun added to the grandiose of the moment . I stood there silently contemplating about a future with 'my sandya ' . I looked at her . She smiled . Or did she . I wasn't sure . I held her hands . My fingers could feel the moisture in her palms . It was cold and the smoothness of the palms were enhanced by the moisture . My fingers played around , while my heart kept slipping an inch downwards with each and every touch. There were unknown sensations playing around my entire body as my mind had become numb . I looked into her eyes . She was smiling and this time I was sure because the smile was from her eyes. "I love you ," The wind made my whisper even more feeble giving it the much needed romantic tone . A cold wave sweetly kissed our feet making it wet . She kept looking at me . And with each and every passing second the tranquility and numbness transcended to a different plane .I felt the grip on her fingers tighten softly . Through the moisture laden eyes , she whispered something . A cold wave blew , and the the waves again kissed our feet . "I love you , too " the melancholic tone from her sweet lips kept echoing through the abandoned boats , the never ending sea , the light house , the sandy shores , the sea shells and the azure skies which engulfed us . The artist called 'fate' , was painting this colorful picture called 'love ' on the canvass of our 'lives ' . The chill wind blew again..........

May 2, 1986,

Dear diary ,
The vision was blurred . I couldn't see anything . There was a storm brewing inside me . And strangely on the outside , an enigmatic silence seemed to engulf me. And vaguely I could see the letter 'S' magnifying in and out of proportion . And just like the seamless flow of the river , the letters kept magnifying one after the other . . Sandya . The name slowly seemed to be appearing as the tear drop slowly strolled across the name on her wedding card .

The entire world had stopped for a second . I knew this day would come . But how ever much you prepare yourself , this moment shatters all the strength you had . My Sandya would never be mine . Did I say 'my Sandya' . A nauseating smell of alcohol came from the glass in front of me . "My sandya " I thought as I gulped the entire glass without remorse .

It still pained . Not like the usual pain when you fell on the ground and bruised your knees . This time the bruise wasn't seen . But I felt it . No amount of alcohol seemed to be soothing it . Instead it seemed to get more agonizing . "I love you " I heard her say, what seemed just to be yesterday . But today its all vanished with the cruel veil of fate uncovering itself on my life ....

I am a proud man . But today I fail . The tears rolled down . I didnt want them to stop . A lump formed across my throat , and as my mouth was drying up I gasped for air . "I love you ...but why did you do this to me", my motionless , ghostly white face whispered to the unknown . The chill breeze blew , yet again, but for the last time.......

...........................................................................

Its been 20 years since ....He never got the answer . He slowly closed the diary .A drop of tear made a blot on the otherwise dusty cover .

"Dad , sandya is beating me ..Tell her to stop plz " his son called out to him complaining about his elder daughter .

You heard it right...

Few memories never fade into oblivion .........

The Birthday surprise !!!

"Machan , tomorrow is her birthday and I am planning to give her a surprise " I spoke over the phone to dinesh . "Great da. enjoy machan " he replied ..."Well...err...I am going to her place now da and I want you to come with me " I reluctantly asked ..."WTF machan...Its 10 p.m da . are you crazy ??""No da . I am damn serious .....".I tried convincing him..After a lot of if's and but's I finally convinced dinesh . Phew , a good start I thought to myself .

He came in his activa and we started out on our journey at 11 . "Dai ...think again..I guess its too risky ..What if someone sees you or her parents wake up ", Dinesh kept asking the unanswerable question ..Well to be honest I was very afraid . I could not even imagine the consequences but however the thrill and the feel of surprising her somehow overcame the fear. "Whatever happens we are going machan "......

11.45 p.m...
Standing in the adjacent street "now whats the plan " I asked ..
"Fucker , we come until here and you ask whats the plan ..."
"I mean I need to go ..But I need some reassurance da...Just act as if we are brave machan .."
Till this point it was all fine but after coming there I really wanted to piss in my pants ..the heart beats had just started beating at the rate that any doctor from the tamil movies would have exclaimed "Its a medical miracle "...

"Ok listen...you wait here ..I shall call her now and then take your activa , ride it till her gate , and then give her the gift and return...simple " ...Well how I wished it was as easy as that ...

"Hi "I called her on the phone ..
"Idiot , you are too early its not yet 12 "
As if i didn't know ...."umm...well , I will be there at your gates at 12...So just come out " I tried faking a voice which knew no fear...But however my legs were shaking ( body strong ...ana basement weaku)

"wtf " ...strangely everyone scolded me the same way..."u gone nuts ...what if ...."she said ...and after 5 minutes of bashing " K ...I will come " .....( and that's the spirit honey)

"Ooooooooo....." I gave dinesh a hi five and took his bike( In case if he ever reads it he will be a happy guy coz I called it a bike ...)

"All the best da...and before you go I am really afraid of the dogs ...I cant stand here. tell me some way out "

"Ada pavi .." I cursed him ...2 minutes later there was a poor , innocent guy with a stone as huge as his head in his arms for protection against the so called evils of the street dogs and the one and only me getting ready for the action . I prayed to god that no one should come by this street for they would seriously mistake dinesh to be the "mystery-stone-killer" ...

Finally gathering my guts , I started . For once even the activa engine sound seemed to be deafening . I had just slowly given the throttle but before I even realised I was in front of her gate . I switched the engine off . But still there was some sound similar to the engine . Oh , shit ..It was my heart. I guess my blood was on a race course track inside my arteries . I gave her the coveted call and whispered "come down "...

I just looked around . There was absolute darkness except for the lone street lamp at the corner of the street . Thankfully the dogs were not there or dinesh must be engaging them in the next street I thought . Saw a shadow moving across the window panes . I took a deep breath .

I got off the bike and went near her gate and stood casually as if nothing was going to happen.

And suddenly "grrr" a voice echoed .The murphys law was working (IF something can go wrong it definitely will )...grrr ...brrr...bow bow ...a dog started barking from inside the gate .But she never warned me about the dog . Oh fuck... The lights turned on...not just at her home but even at the neighbours place . I jumped to my activa . It didnt start...Oh fuck , Please start (I even called you a bike ). .."Watchman ...Catch him " a voice shouted . Oh GOD ..."Please save me "I prayed . The activa started but not before a strong hand had come over my shoulders.... a few hours later ...inside the K4 police station "Sir , I am from a decent family . Inspector Balram , please trust me . I didn't come to steal .I just came to ...."

"Oye ..Idiot " a voice whispered ... I thought inspector Balram had a gruff voice looking at his huge physique ..But somehow strangely it sounded very sweet ...

"Oye idiot ...u alive " he again asked ...suddenly I got into my senses it was not he , it was she . I was still at the gates before I had started dreaming . Thankfully there was no MR inspector Balram , It was her , standing near the gate . She looked very beautiful ..Sleepy eyes , unkempt hair, a pink night dress , a milky white face which glowed under the moonlight and a mesmerizing smile - well , I had lost my heart yet again . Felt the same way , when I had first seen her in college three years back . "Ooops ...Happy birthday honey ...and you look damn beautiful ," I shook her soft hands . Aaaha . Feeling her palms in the midnight was certainly worth the effort ...Before I again get dreamy , I gave her the gift and said "Oye , happy birthday once again ...and will meet you tomorrow in a much better way " ....

"Thank you dumbo ...really sweet of you !!! " , She again gave her cute smile and vanished ...ha ha ....mission successful ... and what a birthday surprise !!! .. Time for me to vanish as well ....see you in the next post ...

P.S : Dinesh was safe ...To be honest the dogs were safe...

The magic of love !!!

The heart beats got faster .He could hear himself taking a deep breath for each and every Milli second . He convinced himself that it must be because he had run almost a kilometer . Few seconds later he knew for sure it was not because of that . She was coming.... He could see her through the minute gaps between the trees of the garden which stood between him and the next street. The flowers seemed to be mocking at him as they kept moving with the gentle breeze , hiding her face and when he moved to see her, they followed . Well must be because they were jealous . Not must be , Certainly they are jealous of my sandya ...my own sandya - he thought .A chill breeze swept across him....

Sandya had joined the school a month back . Her father had got a transfer from ooty to chennai . And the day he saw her he knew she was special . It was something beyond his comprehension . He used to spend the entire day watching her ... her little nose,her cute ponytail , her round eyes which spoke a strange language understood only by him , and each and every time she pushed the two strands of hair which covered her forehead , his heart would skip a beat . It was a strange feel . And when she smiled it was even more stranger.... Felt like something was stirring inside him , and it became stronger and stronger .He felt the void in his heart and sometimes the deep chasm seemed to deepen further. He forgot the entire world , it was just her . Sandya ...as the name echoed through the tunnels of his heart , he slipped into a trance ...maybe nirvana or maybe something more pure , more divine and beautiful...

"Hi , I am sandya. Can we be friends " his angel had cast a spell on him two weeks back ...They shook hands . And it slowly transformed into those never ending phone conversations ,those secret glances , those you-are-more-than-my-friend dialogs , those innocuous happy-married-life dreams and those ever sweet "I love you "dialog rehearsals before the mirror....

The chill breeze brought him back .
"Hey , sandy ...wait..What a surprise . Long time...So how was your day ", he called out.
"We spoke for three hours yesterday . That's a pretty long time I guess " she replied notoriously but he was already lost in her eyes ..

He strolled along with her while she kept talking . But somehow he could never hear . He always kept getting lost in her eyes . But however he heard what those round little eyes had to say. Only he could hear those ....

He kept walking beside her slowing his steps to suit hers . She was a bit slow . But even the rhythmic movements of her walk added to the tranquility. And suddenly the back of her palm brushed against his unknowingly . He felt an indescribable dizziness inside his head . A cold wave swept across him and he couldn't make out whether he was still in the ground or flying . "Is this heaven ", he wondered...He just looked upto the sky and wondered why people thought it was up there . A drop of rain splashed on his eyes .It had started drizzling. He knew it for sure now . He was in heaven ...

"Oye , dumbo . Do u love rains "she asked ..

"ya "...but not just the rains he mumbled to himself ...

She kept kicking at the water, which eventually landed on him .
"ha ha " she laughed .Different forms of mesmerism he thought .

In a few minutes it started pouring .
"Lets stand under the shade near that house "he told her secretly thanking the rain god .
"But why go that far . We will stand here " she replied . But before that he had almost reached the place and she had no option but to follow.

"How nice it would be if we could have some hot coffee ..."she shivered.There was not a single soul in the entire lonely street leave alone a chai-wallah .

"Do you believe in magic " he asked her..

"Ya , sometimes "...

"Then just close your eyes " he winked .

A few minutes later there she was sitting on a couch with a hot cup of coffee in her hand .

"Idiot , I will kill you . You never bloody told me that it was your home " she laughed .

"Shut up princess ..How is the coffee " he smiled ...

"Not bad Mr magician. You make decent coffees too " she gave her cutest smile till date ...

"By the way , what happened to your mom MR MAGICIAN "

" I made her vanish for I wanted some time alone with my princess " he smiled mischievously .

The laughs continued ...

He just got reminded that she was wet and went inside and took a towel . He wanted to play around and so concealed the towel at the back of his hands . He went near her . She looked at him. . She was beautiful as always .

"Oye ..I ..umm ..err." he fumbled ...she knew it . He could see it in her eyes .
"I thought you would be better off if you could use the towel " he stammered .

She took the towel threw it back and stood staring at him. She looked as if she had landed straight from heaven . She took a step towards him for another step would mean she would have to pass through him.

"So MR MAGICIAN ...tell me " ...Her mesmerizing voice echoed .

"Do you believe in magic " he again asked her ...

She just stared without replying .

He just took her palms and placed it on his heart .

"What do u feel "

She closed her eyes for a second and then looked into his eyes . It said everything . He didn't need her to talk sometimes .

"Now I shall be telling you the magic words . Listen to it carefully and repeat ."

"Ya . I am listening " she whispered .

"I love you " he said ...

There was a strange prolonged silence . Didn't know whether it was from the calm-before-storm feelings inside his heart or from the stillness of the atmosphere outside .
He looked at her . She still had her soft rosy palms on his heart . He felt a slight shiver in her palms . A little drop of of tear which was hiding itself in her heavenly pupil came down ...

"I love you too " she whispered . And she smiled innocently ...

Click ...The eternal and everlasting moment was photographed by a lightning .

He just placed his hands on her palms on top of his heart and said " Jee Boom Ba !!" he lifted her palms ...." My heart is no more here . Its all yours ......."

He gently blew away the two beautiful strands of hair across her forehead and looked into her eyes .

Resembling the motion of a flower swaying in the zephyr , she gently came forward , kissed him and whispered into his ears " I love you my dear MAGICIAN ..."

The magic is done . The magic of love .

Dad ...I miss you...

Dear dad ,

Hi dad. How have you been all these days . Its been a long time since we spoke . But now I have decided to break the silence. I just want to say something to you .Something that I always wanted to tell but didn't ....

I am sorry pa ...Yes , I am Sorry for whatever I have done (honestly for whatever I have not done )........
I have always wanted to tell you this but I couldn't and I have been living with that pain throughout my life .....

I still remember the day when I had failed for the first time in an exam .It was the dreaded tamil exam and I had failed . I just couldn't stand the humiliating look from my teacher or the ignominy of having to look at the answer sheet sitting amidst my class mates. I broke down . From my school till our home , I was walking with tears leaving a silent trail behind me . A trail of humiliation , sorrow and pain . As all these emotions tried to overcome each other one emotion stood tall trampling the others . It was fear . Fear about how you would react to this . Well , I just couldnt think of standing in front of you and narrating the entire ordeal . Just when I reached our gate , I wanted to turn back and run away. But instead I ran into my room , pushed my head into the pillow which temporarily hid the shame on my face .

Dont know for how long , but I lay down still, with uncontrollable tears giving me constant company . I felt a hand on my shoulders . I didn't have to turn in order to tell it was yours . I knew it . "What happened ?" you asked me. I tried hard but couldn't face you . Crying with my head hanging in shame ,"I have failed in the exam . ".....silence .....Well , i didn't know what to expect . But somehow strangely the silence prolonged . 5 minutes later I just struggled raising my head 30 degrees to find my dad in his tracks and he called "how about a match "....(I don't know why but you never spoke a single word about my exam)

What a match we had that day . I was giving whatever I had in me to win the game. There was a new vigor , a sense of fearlessness and unusual overdose of confidence . I won it that day . Won it in straight 3 sets . He came up to me and said "You might lose one day and maybe keep on losing. . but you should never stop playing.For one day you will definitely win .And what matters the most is Whatever happens the game must go on ....

Very true dad though the subject of tamil has hardly any relevance to my life now the experience of facing a failure and standing back again was priceless. As you said it was just the beginning . There were a lot more failures in life . More painful ones including the day you left us ......

But however the game must go on ....

You taught me what life was all about . And the day when I was lying in your lap in an auto on the way to the hospital because I had food poisoning I saw your eyes and asked you something ..Do you remember... . "Dad , will I die " ...You gave me a smile and said it was just a normal food poisoning and there was nothing to worry ...I was relieved realizing my foolishness , but little did I know that the same question would again be asked ...

"Will I die ?"
But this time you were asking me . I didn't have an answer ... I just remember those eyes filled with tears and sorrow when you looked at me and said take care of your brothers and mom .

I am sorry dad I couldn't answer . I couldn't do anything ......

I am sorry dad...

In fact the year before that , I hardly spoke to you because I thought you were making a big fuss out of a small stone in your stomach or at least that is how you made me believe. I know now that you did it on purpose make us isolate you so that when you leave us we wont feel the pain . But now it pains more .

One fine day , You came up to me and said "Son , I have got cancer and may leave anytime .So I want you to be strong and take care if anything happens ". What strength you had dad .You said it in the most unassuming and nonchalant manner . But however those were not just words , they had slowly transformed themselves into my endless tears in front of our bathroom mirror , those sleepless nights that I spent staring at you for the fear that maybe I wont be able to see you the next morning , those never ending curses hailed at each and every god of each and every religion , those badminton rackets which are still lying amidst the cobwebs behind our bathroom door ......

Dad I miss you ...

And finally , you better be sorry to amma . While you were lying down peacefully inside the ICU with not even a battling of the eyelid , amma was struggling to keep her tears down as she was scrolling through some religious book frantically reciting each and every mantra . I could see through her sleep deprived puffed eyes the pain and the suffering . She finally broke down only to be aggravated by an ever increasing pacifying relatives . My body shudders even today whenever I am reminded of that . But however she is doing a great job in taking care of us. Amma has always been extremely strong both mentally and emotionally except for the few instances when ashwin asks her as to where you are . Ashwin still doesn't know about what had happened to you because he was just two years when you left us . But anyway , as you always said

The game must go on .........

Though we take amma for granted and always take her on a ride she somehow manages us all and does a great job . Good selection dad . You were a lucky guy .

I know you are there somewhere near us , keeping a watch and blessing us in all our endeavors...

I just wanted to say I love you dad and I miss you so much .....

love,
arun