Mar 10, 2013

Smile ..Come what may !!

A few years back when I started writing, the intention was not to come up with some life changing philosophies or earth shattering truths. The asshole that I am and will always be, all that I wanted, was to record every silly, stupid, feels-like-heaven moments in my life, so that someday when I read it in future, I may realize "not bad..its a life well lived indeed ". And the fact that I was blissfully in love makes the memories even more special

Its been two years..A lot of things have sweetheart for whom I started the blog is not with me anymore ( not the kinds where the heroine is diagnosed with cancer..relax..we broke up or to be precise her folks screwed it up )..this post is a little flashback on the last two years of my life.. its about how yours faithfully almost screwed it up..but thankfully the climax is the same - Smile ..come what may !!

On a rainy night ..a night which I wish never came..

There were random people running helter skeltor splashing little paddles of water in their search for a cover from the rains. The frenzy of vehicles sped through the roads as the headlight smoke gave dizzy illusions passing through the rain drops. I stood there in the middle of the madness ..devastated and lost..I didn't hear the horns..I didn't see the people..I didn't see the blinding lights..I didn't feel the rains..I didn't feel the chill winds..strangely she was the only thing I could see..for I knew maybe that would be the last time...a painful silence slowly devoured me..

She came close to me and bought her arms around my drenched body .. "Arun, take care"..those were the only words that I heard. I held her tight. I wasn't going to let her go. I felt her breath on the back of my neck. I tightened my grip around her..there was silence again..the longest and the most painful period of silence ever in my life.."Don't make it hard..Arun.." ..the moist eyes of mine finally gave in..A few drops ceaselessly slid through my cheeks combining with the rains to finally find its place on her shoulders..

I let go..I didnt want to..but I had to ..

She turned back and started walking towards her scooter..I didn't want her to go.."Dont go" my choking unspoken voice felt like a knife had just passed straight through my heart.. I kept walking helplessly behind her wishing for her to turn back..wishing for her to come back..wishing for her to tell me "It's all just a dream"..wishing for her to kiss me..wishing for her sweetest rendering of "I love you Idiot"..
As life has it, certain wishes were never meant to come true..her shadowy silhouette slowly disappeared along the empty long stretch of the road..the illusion of small colored circles flashed in and out of my moist eyes ..That was the last time I saw her..

Slowly I found my voice as I shouted a whisper "Oye..I still love you" ..The rain was deafening..Maybe that's why she couldn't hear.." I still love you.." my muffled voice echoed..A part of me died on that day..I kept walking.. with each and every step an excruciating emptiness crawled through me..My heart kept getting heavier with each and every passing minute...I sat on the road..shamelessly was pain and more pain..I didn't know how long I was there.. kept staring at the skies..and it continued to rain..

From that day, life had completely changed..

"I took to drinking..I couldn't imagine a life without her..and my only solution to forget her - ALCOHOL.. From drinking once a week , the frequency gradually increased as I realized the more I wanted to forget the more I got reminded of her..I slowly started drinking throughout the day.. hardly attended classes during my final year..somehow scraped through the placements..but slowly started hating people and graduated towards higher levels of intoxication caught in the world of drugs and soon my performance at work was becoming pathetic with every passing day.."pathetic" was actually being kind for describing the work that I did..Soon I was kicked out of my job..Stayed at home..kept drinking and continued using drugs..Mom kept crying throughout the two years..Finally I am now admitted in a rehabilitation center.."

Well, this is how my story could have been..but lets see how the actual script played out..

From that day, life had completely changed..

Three days later she got married..I woke up on that dreadful day..I had my marketing class scheduled for the morning..not that any other class was going to make it better..but this definitely made it even usual got up late..went running to the mess.. had was straight from heaven.. (If i ever get a chance to re attend my BIM interview again and they asked me "Why BIM ?"..I would without a blink of an eye, reply "PONGAL sir !!!") I attended all the boring classes for the entire day, faking a smile which concealed the storm brewing inside.. returned to my room at 11 in the night .. And cried for the entire night ..I was feeling miserable and the pain the whole experience puts you through is beyond explanation..but somehow that day also came to pass. And this is precisely how the second most painful day in my life got over ..

What did I do in the next two years..

Honestly, it did take its own sweet time for me to recover..and I am still not too sure if I am completely over her..or maybe I never will..but for once in life, I have decided to stop taking myself so seriously .. there is very little I could do about the whole situation..while there is no denying the agony and the lovely memories which still keep haunting me, somehow the hope that there is always something beautiful waiting to happen tomorrow keeps me going...While I have no idea why the story had to end this way, I believe a few years down the line,when I write, I would introduce you to my special someone who would have made this ordinary story into a fairy tale by then..So while I am sure, I will fall in love again, much more crazily and have loads of blissful moments to share and keep the blog alive, the last two years were eventful in their own special did have its own set of joys and sorrows and boy what a ride it turned out to be..

I ..umm..errr 
Got a pre placement offer and was the first to get placed in my college
Got drunk, danced, laughed and shouted my way to glory for the entire final year
Enjoyed every bit of hostel life ..especially the blissful final year..bliss is an understatement
Discovered it was a Sunday only because there was a chicken biryani being served
Slept like a log for most of the days and woke up straight into lunch
Met some amazing people
Was SIMBLY HAPPY for most of the days
Landed a job which I am really passionate about
Travelled 100 km to eat dindugal biriyani
Went on a trip with complete strangers
found a new hobby - swimming
Got my dream bike - a bullet - funded completely on my own salary
Spent an entire night on the marine drive laughing my heart out and recording my first 24 hour sleepless stint
Fell in love again..while it didn't last for was heaven till it lasted
Joined a gym and nearly fainted on the first day 
Went to vandaloor zoo and got excited seeing a lion 
Went on a spending splurge 
Had my first family get together after ages
Stayed with my lovely mom day in an out..a blessing that I realised after 4 long years
Get to taste the worlds best home made dosas every day
Still get treated like a king at home
Still get pocket money from my mom.."Amma..I earn".."So what" and her stern cute look follows
Went on an eating spree..covered every cuisine from Greece to China
Had intellectually stimulating discussions with worse-if-not-equal assholes like me on every saturday night
Started visiting Bharat matrimony site more no of times than my FB page
Still get Kozhi(chicken) leg piece in my dreams
Went on a bike trip all alone ..watched TV and came back :(

And to be honest while I really didn't expect my life to turn out this way.. the last two years were definitely one of the best times I have ever had ..

I have no clue on what is in store for tomorrow..But I have decided.. Whatever happens I am going to


and this is how I came out of the biggest tragedy in my life..Period

P.S: Oye I know someday you will get to read this.. In case you end up reading till here.. I just wanted to let you know that "I still miss u" :)