Musings of an idle mind ...

Sometimes even the most humiliating questions lead to the most enlightening moments of your life . It was a long day . A very long one to be precise as I sat there waiting on a dust laden bench in pune railway station with a please-gimme-atleast-one-biscuit longing dog staring at me as I finished the last 'good day' biscuit . Well , the biscuits name strangely seemed to be mocking at me as I got reminded of the day ....

It was yet another interview , yet another pursuit for the MBA madness..Unfortunately , these gentlemen in the panel were interested in what I learnt in engineering( However I appreciate the thought !!! feels nice ) ... I struggled to remember a few basic theorems he had asked in electrical engineering (5 years is a really looong time...And phew ,what a eureka moment to realise that ) and of course later followed by a How-does-it-work question with his fingers pointing out to any object remotely connected to electricity in the room or rather was kept near an electrical plug point . I stared at him , with an inner voice replyin 'boss I am not your I-read-daily-lessons and an-electrical-engineer-is-what-I-always-wanted-to-be kinda guy , I am a normal , yet another part of the humble race of ppl who open their books a day before the exams , curse the author , drink the magic potion "tea" to stand against the travails of a closing eyelid and finally at the end of it all find the true joy in life when they see the P- for pass in their results"....Not even the such- deep-indepth knowledge ( ahem...ahem...) that I gained during my insightful engineering years came to my help , as the two years of life as a software professional had robbed me of the remaining so-called-electrical-knowledge .

"Kripya , dhyan dijiye " an abrupt voice ended my flashback . I flexed my muscles and lifted the huge bag that I had containing a shirt , a pant and my underwear . The girls stood there wowed at my ability to lift such a huge bag with such an ease . Or so I thought as the only other specimen whom I had previously introduced to you "the dog " ...yup the same one which was after my good day biscuit gave a bark which said "you better get lost before I ....(censored) "..

Thus with such a nice farewell I boarded the train and soon after was lying on the top berth enjoyin the little wafts of air which these old fans strangely still seem to produce .

Somewhere deep inside I was feeling a little bad for screwing the interview . And the question dawned " So what exactly was engineering all about if it was not for the circuits , motors or whatever ????

And slowly I drifted away ...

Those increasing ‘lub-dub’ sounds of my heart when I bunked a class for the first time in my life , those “macha , quick da ...the watchman might see us “ shouts as I crawled beneath the fence which was neatly cut by some kind hearted senior just enough for me to pass excluding my tummy , and after a 5 minute extreme-yoga-inhaling session I managed to pass through but unfortunately my jeans bore a small hole which would go on to become the only remains of the history of adventurous bunkings that followed , and those long journeys back to the city to watch ‘our kinda’ movies ....Those “wowwwwww.......” exasperation as we stood in the middle of satyam theatre gaping at mallika sherawat scorching the screens in Murder ,those few shouts that followed from behind which meant we better find our seats else the name of the movie might not just remain a coincidence ...Those gossips which went about the college as to who was with whom , and what did x do with y while z went on with q ....soon the gossip section at the end of the four years stood like – ABCDEFG ...XYZ and you just had to keep rearranging them ...those laments about ‘wont we ever get a girl friend ‘ ...those 5 minute glances at unknown faces and those 1 in a million probability where they get returned ....those classes which taught you the art of sleeping with eyes wide open , those gruelling lab sessions , record writing and finally those vivas where you learn the philosophy ‘when a rape is inevitable , its better to lie back and enjoy “ ...Those lovely friendships which you make ...a few which last ...a few which don’t ...the joy of discovering the chillness of the sea in a late evening at marina , those days when I felt why couldn’t life just stay like this as I blew the smoke from the lemon flavoured hookah ...the smoke that made everything around hazy , unclear but yet a sense of inner peace somehow strangely seemed to be there as the world that I had always known disappeared ... the juice shop at nungambakkam which provided the perfect inspiration to all our life’s useless philosophies on girls , beer ,bikes and porn...those cremation ceremonies for many a chicken at our own Loyola fast food ...those placement blues ...those gre,cat madness ...those football matches which took us through an entire year....Those love affairs , those fights , those disappointments , those failures ...Those inevitable fightbacks against life , just barely managing to stand after a lots of falls... Those once- in- a -blue -moon good scores ...and those......

Oops , I have reached Chennai and thanks to the benevolent soul who shook me up and ended the ‘happy-days’ movie of my life...

I slowly woke up as the answer dawned

So what exactly was engineering all about if it was not for the circuits , motors or whatever ????

“Two days with a 100 bucks second hand bakshi textbook from the moore market , and I would have answered each and every “how does this crap work “ questions.....But those lovely memories and moments of these 4 years ...hmmmm... College wasn't just about the motors ,the circuits ,the labs , thesemester exams ,the placements ....Its was about something else

It was about life....

And boy , I did live mine !!!!

A cup of life

Its been a really long time since my last post . Thanks to my assignments , presentations , ever increasing sleep hours and alas finally here I am back again as always at my useless best....

Yet another wonderful day started off as I woke up at 9.30 a.m realising that I was a tad bit too late for my research methodology class which was at 8.45 (thanks for that , it was a wonderful day indeed )...Half asleep I monotonously took 'the hindu' as always cursing the dry contents for I missed the masala of Times of India . Something familiar caught my eyes . "CAT 2009 debacle ".....

Aaha ...not that I was remotely bothered by CAT 2009 but however the word cat was good enough to bring back good old memories of the MBA madness phase which I once went through ...those mock cats , those dreams about IIM which I had while I was teaching bankers how to select using the mouse (a part of my wrk ...ahem ahem...Of course I am an ever proud software engineer ) ,those endless application forms , CAT , NMAT, SNAP , XAT ....and those heart stopping moments before each and every results ......those unusual self-thy-named-invented diseases that I get a week before each and every GD call, for an off from work ..a loving boss who eventually forgot me in due course of time .... those 5 minute friendships before GD's ..."hey , I saw u at XYZ interview right " cliches ...those shouts across the gd hall as to why INDIAN economy was better than the Chinese...those why MBA questions...those oscar winning dialogues on how MBA was my calling and why ALWAYS I wanted to do an MBA ...those presentations blaring we r so and so ...those final converts ...those advising grandpas , mamis , mamas ..those "machan watha naan school poren ....ooooooooo...B SCHOOL " a la james bond style punch dialog...those obvious spits which followed the dialog...


and atlast a few dreams which shall always remain as dreams .......

I smiled ....

Kept smiling as I realised I had missed the second hour of the lecture too as the clock screamed 10 a.m....

But honestly , I didnt mind

I fell on my cot , pulled the bedsheet across my face and zzzzzzzz.....

A day well spent I thought as I slowly dozed off sincerely wishing I would be awake for the afternoon class....

As always few memories are worth recollecting...somewhere it makes you feel good and laugh at all those silly , stupid things we have done ..We might have really been worried about those so called mistakes we made that time ...But now , all thats history and gets stored under the "moments to smile " folder in your heart...so lets make mistakes , not be too harsh on ourselves , smile across each and every situation and take life as it comes with "Watha ...I love you , my dear life "(wish it was a wife instead !!!) attitude . Irrespective of the end , the journeys are always the best part . I know not everyone must be having the best times of their lives ...But its just a matter of time before things get back to being great and who knows the current situation might just be the one which would provide you with those evergreen amusing memories for ur entire life...

So no matter how much life screws you, do keep smiling and enjoy life...

A little bit of vodka and life....

"Macha , cheers da ....watha this is the most happiest day of my life " I shouted oblivious of the poor street dog which had an abrupt end to its sleep . The shouts slowly travelled through those empty streets of kolkatta , across those trees which kept dancing to the tunes of the wind , through the moisture laden yet-to-blossom-flowers , across the water filled potholes , across those tired people getting back home with the id card which held the stories of dreams lost and untold.....

Giving me company along with the vodka bottle were three other dissillusioned souls .
shankar - a lead guitarist of a wannabe band from chennai ,
Parthiban - yet another unfortunate mechanical engineer ,
Selva - a wannabe politician and
me - an electrical engineer who knew nothing about current ,circuits ...

We all had one thing in common other than the single bottle of vodka ...

All of us were software engineers ....

Yup , we belonged to the elite lot who were paid in lakhs , had plush offices , spent like crazy and so on.......

Or thats what I dreamt 2 years back ...I still remember the wait across the crowded hall where the names where spelt out ...arun kumar r ......watha ....yeahhhhhhh....I stood there with my hands spread as the joyous shouts echoed throughout the hall....and that window seat on the bus where I struggled to convey to my mom those golden words " Ma , I am placed........"

Yet another glass of vodka went in as I got reminded of today's afternoon where I gave back my swipecard as it was my last day at office . And honestly , I have never felt better...

Money was good ...It bought me everything except for that something....that something which could remove that emptiness...that something which I would do just for the love of doing it...that something which would let me follow my heart ...

Now as I get ready for the new journey in search of that 'something', I see the longingness , those lost dreams, the pain in those eyes ....Those eyes which belonged to me a few days back, those eyes which will belong to thousand of more recruits who will keep swarming in.... And somewhere deep inside I know it wouldnt be long before my master 'money' catches up with me and the compromises would again happen...

But till then I have the chance to script my own story ....I finally get a chance to live not for what the society thinks I should be , what my friends think I should be ,what my family thinks I should be but for.....what I think ,I should be.

And as a humble beginning to this so called new self-discovery , this blog holds a special place ...coz it gave me the courage to do something just for the love of it ....and all those who took the pain to read through my posts and those sweet ppl who commented on my blog , I am forever indebted to you ppl for you unknowingly convinced an average-not-so-good wannabe writer within me to believe in his dreams...and everytime I read those random out-of-blue praises it feels like heaven ...

As the final sip of vodka goes in , I fall back...

Its time to start dreaming ...

From me to you ...

Thousands of kutti kutti fights ...

Hundreds of misunderstandings ...
Loads of possesiveness....
A few heart shattering moments ...
A little bit of ego clashes...

That sudden thought of losing it all ...

and its been three years ...

nothing seems to have changed ..

or did it ??


We survived through everything...through every bit of the joy and the pain..through each and every struggle , blows and falls ...nursing each others wounds , growing stronger day by day , sometimes hurting each other in the process ...what started off just as yet another college love story , maybe went a bit too far was what the entire world thought ...or to be frank thats what we ourselves thought but time had its own plans and got its magic woven into our lives ...

three years is a pretty long time .Lots of things changed ...

those lovely walks along the college road .....
those lovely roadside teas...
those astrology sessions at the beach..
those days when I spent the entire day cleaning my bike just because I was supposed to go out with you the next day...
those days when the wallets were empty but the hearts were full ....
those days when I rode across 20 km just to wave a single 'hi' ...
those days when the phone bills kept raising while I always felt we never spoke enough ...
those lovely afternoons where we roamed around the streets of anna nagar in search of an abandoned puppy ...
those evenings when I held your hands wishing on the sun that set across the horizon...
those nights which taught me what missing someone really meant....

and finally along with all these ....

yet another thing changed ...

......US.....

I started chasing a career , money and a few more of things which I never could decipher...In the journey that followed I made a few sacrifices , made a few choices , made a lot of blunders...

And I thought it was always for that someone ...

for that you...

but little did I know it wasnt what you wanted ....you wanted somethin else..it was not about gettin back those walks or talks ...though from heart there isnt a day that passes where I do not wish for those moments...it was more than that ...it was about the spirit ...it was about that zest for life which we both had ...that beauty which we saw in those chill zephyrs , that cold waves which splashed across our feet and that one last phone call each night....it was about the joy of living each moment ...we really did own the world though for a very small time ...and somewhere along the way we got lost admist work pressures , CTC's , careers , onsite and what not...

But at this moment , as I sit along the low parapet walls of my terrace crisscrossing my legs and savoring the hot tea with the chill breeze giving me company thanks to the cocunut trees , there is just one thing I would like to say ...

There is just one little, insignificant thing that still hasn't changed ...

"I STILL LOVE YOU ".......

Romancing with Life ...

Garishly painted walls , dim lights which find their way through the smoke filled air , blaring sounds from an old radio , broken chairs and ....

Long back at the same place...

"Watha" I slammed against the table "why the fuck did she do this to me machan ". The unusual silence greeted my anger...everyone around me kept quiet .....


Not long back ..

"machan ...she is back with me ...ummale finally machan ...can u believe it guys...she is back ...she is mine ...just mine...oooooooooooo" the ecstatic shout echoes through the small place as my clenched fist punched across the air with joy....

at sometime I dont remember ...

"Aah finally , its all over machan ...we are engineers ....we made it...no more exams ..no more labs ...no more machines ..no more circuits ...aahaaaaaaaaa feels like heaven ..."

at a time which I wish to forget

"machan I am placed in a software firm...whoaaa.....loads of money...foreign trips ..team parties ..pubbing...partying..n of course girls machan...ooooooo" I kept dreaming on the same broken chair . ( I still pity myself for all those dreams....silly me )

A few months back ,

"This IT field is killing me . I am going to do an MBA ...dont ask me why ...honestly I dont know ...But I have decided ..."I took a decision admist the hazy smoke at the same place...

exactly 4 months back ,

" I am no more a software engineer ...I am a student once again...aah ..finally back to college ..err not exactly a college but to a school ...a B school ...whatever ...watha its back to good old fun times " I kept smiling ...and of course at the same place ...

Well WTF am I coming at ...

Honestly , there is absolutely nothing philosophical coming up to interrelate all these incidents . So rest assured . There is just one little common thing .

All these took place at the same place and were followed by the same dialogue .

A dialogue which never changed though the times had changed . A dialogue which shall always remain forever irrespective of whichever stage I pass through in life . A dialogue which stood the test of time and forever etched itself in my life to become eternal .A dialogue which represented the aftermath of every emotion I went through in life - love , hate , failure , success , frustration , hope and joy .

And its time I let the world know those magical words ...

and it goes like

" ANNA .... ORU PLATE CHILLI CHICKEN THANGA !!!!!"

(bro , 1 plate chilli chicken plz )

And honestly , if it weren't for those lovely chilli chickens at our own roadside-fast-food-centers where each and every important incident of my life were either celebrated or brooded over , life would never have been the same .

Sorrows or joy , failures or success , rejection or acceptance .....all these come and go ...But make sure you dont lose out on these occasions to have the inevitable "chilli chicken". With a chicken out there on our plates we shall take a vow to believe in life , to enjoy our good times , to laugh our hearts out , to take failures in our stride , to stand back each and every time we fall , to make the best out of what life has to offer , to celebrate our freedom and at the end of it .....ummm errr .....Of course , eat the chicken on our plate ...what else !!!

This is dedicated to all those lovely souls who shared their glories and falls in life with a plate of chilli chicken at our very own street fast food centers .....

A whiff of nostalgia ...

Sleepless nights ... swollen eyes.... half hearted break fasts .... 2 minute phone calls... unshaven 3 day beard .... endless ppt's and pages which keep flipping ...that inexplicable feeling you get the moment you see the question paper...That little smile that you carry thinking "Oh , thats the 3rd consecutive rape " ...three hours pass by only to hear "macha the paper was fucked up "...well , its not the paper that got fucked but ....hmm....the same old smile ....

There was not much I could do . I lay back on my cot unmidful of the papers and stationery scattered on it ...the dust laden fan sprung into action ...Hidden amongst one of the several unknown cities of India.. amongst the outskirts of trichy.. amongst the several hostel rooms.. in the one little corner of my room , I gave a deep breath as a whiff of chill breeze had still managed to find me ...The smell of moist sands filled the room as they greeted the rains ... I slowly stood up , looked through the window which let in some rays of light into the otherwise dimly lit room ...The zephyr again braced me ... I smiled . Reason ...I have no idea ...It felt special ...it felt nostalgic ...

The joy of watching the first 'kathi-kappal ' travelling through the muddy waters leaving ripples that got lost as I grew and people said you are a 'grown up'....The freedom of dancing in the rain as if no one was watching (except for my mom)....Those little kicks across the water filled potholes which left my white canvas shoe with a beautiful mixture of colors ..The colours of innocence , freedom , joy ....Those cricket matches played under the rains...Those celebrations where rain drenched T shirts hugged each other..Those rainy evenings when I cried for I loved someone more than myself ... Those days when I never let her know my tears from the rains ... Those walks in the rains when I held her hands ...those little drops which blessed her little finger and slowly fell on to mine ..Those little romances with life as I sped through the empty stretches of chennai on a rainy friday night ...those special moments which still keep lingering around somewhere in the dust laden chambers of our hearts....Those moments which keep reminding us there is still a child in us ...

I guess life is all about those special moments . Its not about the days we did something great . Its just about those days where we did simple things , but nevertheless loved doing them. Its about the days where we were 'us' ....The days when we really lived our hearts out , believed we could be whatever we wanted , had dreams , laughed our hearts out ,had wounded knees and fought back like a warrior .....

But as we grew up somehow the child in us got lost in search of the so called bigger things . We got more cynical , depressed , complained at the drop of the hat .And I am no exception .But hold on ...
Well , we still haven't lost it all. We still have a chance ...Dont we ??

And here comes my chance ...

I love the rains ...

And here I go ....whoaaaaaa

While I get drenched in the rains (probably after a very long time ) you keep discovering the child in u .

Life is always beautiful so keep smiling and keep enjoying...cheers

But , Why me ??

Little did I know three months back , while I was having one of my yet-another-kumbakarna sleep in the afternoon , that soon sleep would become one of the most scarcest and sought after luxury . Thanks to my eventful entry into the 'much sought after ' B-School life. With exams taking their toll for the entire week I finally managed to get some sleep , as my eyes slowly dropped dead ,hidden amongst the pages of my marketing book . Though it wasn't intentional , nevertheless ,it was heavenly . Aah ... The good old sleep ....the good old honor of spreading your legs ,arms and enjoying the breeze of the dust laden ceiling fan , the good old cuddling and tossing around in the weirdest of positions , the good old nayanthara and preity zinta running behind me ...The good old dirty dreams ....the good old saliva drooping from the borders of my mouth finally finding its destiny in my dirty pillows ...Sometimes in life even the most simplest of things turn out to be the most enjoyable ones.

But as someone said , good things never last for too long . At some time , must be early in the morning , not sure , but since I was in the final stages of my dirty dreams it must be logically the morning ( Aaha ...I have already started applying my MBA brains ) . A shrill noise suddenly shrieked through my ears giving a strange vibration across my head ...Was it nayan or preity ...were they getting naughty ... must be ...or maybe not I realized , as I soon picked up my phone and fought for sometime trying to open my eyes to read the message ....

"Oye wife , had a great talk yesterday night..dont you want to wake me up with a coffee ....I love you so much wife ...Ummmhaaah"

sender
SIVA


WTF !!!!!!

As usual this weird friend of mine had sent the message intended for his girl friend to the poor-me .....

The clock showed 6 am . "Why this ratha veri machan" , I kept thinking ...

I slowly took my mobile ....
and typed

"watha ... A$$ H@*e "....

And thats the least I could do , before I slowly sat up looking dejectedly at my marketing book .

Good bye nayan ....Good bye my dear 'heavenly sleep '.........

Its back to study time folks ....

Will be back soon , once my midterms are over ...meanwhile you ppl keep having fun !!!!

Oye ....ever been to heaven !!!

The speedometer showed a needle vibrating across the 100 kmph mark as I raced through the empty curves in ECR . The sea breeze filled with a little extra bit of moisture as there was the most-unexpected-rain in the afternoons of one of Chennai's most dreaded summer season, gave us company all along the empty landscapes bounded with hordes of pine trees on either sides alternating with the sea shores . The hoardings of the endless resorts and eat outs decorated each and every corner of ECR .

ECR is known for its speed and the breeze . Each and every time you are there its a whole new different journey . The never ending horizon with a promise of an exciting adventure , the cool zephyrs which passionately kiss you , the pumping of the heart when you drag your bike along with you in a bend, The touch and go escapades with the 'mamas' who stand with their speed guns - the stories are many ... I adjusted the rear view mirror as I caught hold of her face changing into different shapes under the impact of the wind .She was struggling to keep her hair down and at the same time hold herself on to the bike . "A bit slower , idiot ," her muffled voice mixed with the sound of the wind feebly entered my ears .

As I further accelerated my grip , her grip around me tightened . "Oye , ever been to heaven ," I shouted ... She smiled still struggling with the wind . "Well here we go " ...I bent myself almost kissing my tank . While I left the fury of the wind to take its target with full might . "Whooaaahhh" she shouted . The wind came roaring and she slowly spread out her hands as I kept the throttle at its maximum . "Ooohooooooo , I am flying " she laughed ...Her laughter echoed through the lonely stretches of ecr , across the dancing trees , through the cloudy skies and at last through the tunnels hidden deep inside my heart....... I slowly sat up . She was still laughing .

"Oye have you ever been to heaven ? " ... She came forward , bit a little bit of my right ear and whispered "Ya , just now ...I was in heaven ". As the breeze slowly brushed my ears, the little remains of moisture in my ears evaporated under the cold winds as I slowly got mesmerized . "Ya just now ...I was in heaven " the voice kept echoing in my ears.......

And so was I .......

It just seems like yesterday....

"Oye you are getting me wet," I shouted as yet another splash of water coming from her kicks across the silent sea drenched me . I kicked back sending the salty water right across her face. "Thu...thu," she started spitting , unable to withstand the salty taste . And a few seconds later both of us were trying different styles of kicks , trying to perfect the one which would help land the maximum amount of water on the other person. And the poses struck while trying these , ranging from the thakida-thaka-thimi-malayala-bhagawathi pose to the Oh-god-I-stamped-a-fresh-cowdung-pose held the attention of a lot many curious passerbys. ... .Soon I was there walking along the shores of besse , drenched like a pig , with the sandals on one hand and the two little soft fingers on the other .The bottom of the jeans which was initially folded in order to resemble the height level of the traditional Patta-patti shorts
(the one worn by Raj Kiran ) had slowly lowered itself and carried loads of wet sand along with it , thereby perfectly supplementing the slow drag of the foot along the shores . We laughed , hit each other in the softest way so as to just about qualify as a 'hit', shouted and again laughed . Honestly , I don't know why we always laugh ........

The walk neither had a place to start nor a destination , but the nomadic freedom of strolling along the shores in search of the 'nothing' ( maybe because I felt like I had everything) truly made it special . The entire screen of the skies seemed to open themselves , as the stage of the sea shore was all set to witness a little peek-a-boo into one amongst the so many simple yet beautiful moments of our lives .

The waves kept kissing our feet and as they retreated the feet got a little submerged in the sand followed by a wide scattered scampering of the crabs into their holes . This happened for a few times and soon the feet got entirely submerged . And as we took it out , the laughs continued . Those meaningless laughs which had only one reason . Love...We kept walking , as if we were the only ones on the beach having our own special moments . The breeze seemed to follow us wherever we went . The upturned dusty catamarans , the smell of bajjis , the little quiver each time a zephyr sails across the damp parts of the body , the joyous shouts of the children playing merry-go-round , the footprints that you leave behind on the wet sand , the little boys with bright smiles carrying the smell of sundal along with them , The balloons which strew the sands with the help of the beach breeze escaping the wrath of the shooters who stand with wooden guns ,the couples who get cozy in their own world oblivious of the stares of millions around them , the astrologers wanting to have a share of my sweethearts tiny little palms in the promise of predicting a bright future - forming the backdrop , I held her hands whispering the hope of a future ,while the little fingers played around and held to each other promising never to part .

The wet footprints left behind us slowly got washed away under the gentle waves . The never ending horizon loomed across the ocean forming a thin line between the sea and the sky as the sea covered the entire endless stretch that my eyes could span . The wounds of our past slowly healed and vanished just like those footprints with the hope of a future called 'us' slowly embarking upon the horizon .

"Oye ", I placed my palms on her cheeks with my luckiest index finger being the first to touch, and a little-less-luckier middle finger coming second . I slowly hushed away a few strands of her hair which were playing around in the wind and tucked them behind her left ear . She smiled as always . This was the ...err.. I had lost the count as to how many times I had done that on that day . It started a few hours back when we had gone to get her a pair of shades , and each and every time she wore one I used to follow the ritual . Her blush accompanied by the little bend in her curved eyebrows whispering me the unspoken words 'How is it ? "...She looked heavenly irrespective of the shades ..."Oye .. What happened " she shook me as I again went into daydreaming mode .

"Nothing ...its just that I got lost in you , yet again..... ,"I thought

Soon after , with a one leg broken chair holding the plate of beach bajjis , and two other chairs holding us , the madness called love continued , as we savored the 'onion bajjis ' of besse . The conversations which never had a topic for the last two years as always continued too .

It was at this same place a year back she came up with a strange request

"Can you write a poem for me? "

I obliged and immediately went on like ....

"You know what ???"

"what???"

"I love you a lot !!!!! ....."

No wonder she never spoke about poems from that day onwards .....

And suddenly since I remembered that , I gave her a wink and sending a bajji through my mouth I mumbled

"You know what???"

She gave a naughty look of nostalgia and shouted ,

"I love you a lottttttttttttttttttt.............."

The echoes of our laughter broke through the waves of the ocean ....

I guess those laughs are still alive, lost somewhere amongst the waves of besse and and each and everytime we go to besse , a few more laughs get added to our deposits of love amongst the several others in the waves of besse.....

In the canvass of 'our lives' the splash of colors of hope , love and joy spread as we thanked 'fate'-the artist' , who had indeed done a nice job .. I wish time had just frozen there ....

Those crazy days , meaningless laughs , even-an-ass-hole-would-write-better-than-you poems , aimless walks , never ending drives , heavenly whispers , naughty winks .....

It just seems like yesterday........

ARNOLD KUMAR goes to the gym !!!!!

It was the ...umm ...I don't remember the exact count but must be the sixth or the seventh time I was glued on to star movies watching my thala ( our screen heroes for whom we would do anything ) sylvester stallone bash up the Russians in RAMBO 3 . All pumped up I went in front of the mirror , stripped off my shirt ...And giving a What-a-man look at myself , I shouted "yeaaaaaaaahhhhhh " which almost shook my entire colony (My downstairs mama has got yet another reason to complain against me in the society meeting ...).

I wrenched and flexed each and every not-visible-to-human-eye muscles on my body and called my young 10 year old brother .In fact he had come there without me calling him courtesy- my nasal capacity ."Count the no of packs " I called out to him giving a proud look .

"One . " he stopped . "And then ..." I flexed again ..."One" this time he sounded louder "and that's it ".......

"Yeahhhhhhhhh" I growled again and took two push ups (the maximum till date ) ... "Now count " I sounded like an arrogant goon .

"One "......."Ayoo , mummy , even thollai thangalai...please help me " ( Loosely translated - "I am fed up with his antics...mom please save me )...

Soon I realised I had just a single pack . Five short .

Oh god . I thought for five minutes sitting at the place where each and every guy on earth spends his maximum time and usually comes up with brilliant ideas .Soon I flushed all the useless ideas and came out . Decided . I am hitting the gym from tomorrow ...

"MISSION ARNOLD KUMAR " - from arun kumar to arnold kumar in three weeks ......

(coz sylvester kumar sounded weird )

The next day at gym...

"Macha don't over do ...just warm up "said my so called body builder , friend Visu .

"ha ha ...ethellam nee arun kumar kitta sollu ...naan arnold kumar da " I growled looking sympathetically at the other silly-small-boy-body-builders out there as I kept dancing around in a round disc which kept rotating from one side to the other along with me . This was easy . I mean for Arnold kumar , obviously , anything was easy .

Then slowly I lifted some weights and did a few other similar versions of it and finally when I went on to the leg crunches section . "Macha , you are over doing it ...do the leg thing next week else you wont be able to walk " he warned ..."Silly fellow ...kumar...arnold kumar machan " I replied with the poise of Reid & Bond ad.

He gave a smile for which I didn't know the reason then . I slowly worked for another half an hour and finally packed off . Felt great that day . Did some shadow boxing on the streets oblivious of the constant stares from the garment-factory figures and the so-called-ladies-college ....umm its hurts but still...Figures ( phew , I managed to type it )...

The whole day went about boasting about my adventures at gym . My poor bro was lifted into the air many a times as a testimonial for my gymming . Poor bro , I can imagine how I would have felt had someone lifted me somewhere close to the ceiling fan and rotated me ....

Finally I slept early as I was very tired .

The next morning ...oops sorry the next afternoon I was still struggling to get myself out of my bed . Felt someone should bring a stretcher to get me to the bathroom . Oh no . Each and every muscle ( don't laugh ...no comedy intended .I might have muscles ..miracles do happen ...)...coming back each and every muscle pained .

And suddenly my cell phone rang . "Come to my office urgently . I have some work for you " my mom spoke . Oh but why today . Anyway , with no other option I somehow managed to get up and when I began to walk . Oh , what the fuck . I was walking as if I had a football in between my legs . ( "Macha , you are over doing it ...do the leg thing next week else you wont be able to walk " the flashback played across ) ....I tried to join them but in vain .

Oh no , I was getting late . Will check this out later I told myself and soon I was there standing amidst the passengers of chennai suburban rail. And the imaginary football between my legs was still there . I tried different styles and position to bring them back together . But nothing worked and while I was still trying I saw a small boy staring at me and he wore a naughty smile . Then he stared at something behind me . I turned to see what it was . It was the diagram of a man with a huge ....ummm...ditch it ....it read ...Dr rajkumar ...some crap...contact me for cure of hernia ...Oh no ...Now I understood (My flashback went to those L.K.G days when my father warned me to wear an underwear or I would end up like that ). The boy was still staring with the I know-what-you-did-smile intact . Aaaarghhhh ...Naan avan ellai thambi (I am not him )...Its not what you think , dear young fellow ...Oh , but how do I explain . The stop arrived and I got down . He still kept staring and suddenly he broke into an uncontrollable fit of laughter ...Aaaargh...I quickly turned around and tried to walk normally ..But in vain ...Arnold kumar - the damage is done .....

I stood staring at the mirror at the end of day happy to get rid of the imaginary football (of course after a whole day's struggle ) and decided a single pack was much better for me .

Finally after much emotional trauma and tears , I , arun kumar , bade goodbye to Arnold kumar .....

And that's how the world lost Arnold kumar.........(Sobs)

P.S : I wish I never come across the boy in my entire life ...

Even I had a story . . .

The tanned brownish roasted skin on my face shone under the scorching 2 pm sun with sweat giving the final touches to the excited face. "6 runs of two balls” , I heard my friend bala shout . All of us stood tensed on the field praying for the bowler to do the trick. He came running in like a giant and with a quick twirl of his arm , released the ball. Thud ...the ball went for a four . The thunderous applaud from the opposition deafened my ears . The dismayed looks on the bowlers face aggravated by a several fold frown on his forehead were of no respite to us. "Come on machan..." someone shouted from the field. Just a ball to go. A win wouldn't leave us with a diamond studded trophy , a million dollar prize money announced by the govt or a home at bandra . In fact it was more than that . It would leave us with respect , the honor of walking out of the ground with our heads high and the priceless joy of winning . The bowler wiped the fresh stream of sweat across his forehead. Silence enveloped the ground as all of us stood there tensed . The bowler slowly came running in and with each and every step , the heart beats slowly increased . We all took a deep breath as he released the ball . For the next few Milli seconds every heart stopped . "thud "...the batsmen swung his bat with his full might . "yeahhhhhhh" the ground roared . This time the deafening noise was much more deafening as I had my voice supplementing it .The batsmen was clean bowled . Joy is always described by subtle emotions . But this time the fury of joy teared upon the wildness hidden within us and we all ran towards the center , growling , hooting , whistling and finally the mad scramble ended in a huddle . The sweat from each others shirts , mystically combined to give the intoxicating smell of success . We all stood as one . Victory was ours . "Watha..." we all shouted in unison . The heads stood high and the hands with the fists closed were open towards the all encompassing skies . We had won ...
"Anna , ten rasna packets " I shouted to our indirect team sponsor Mani Anna, waving out the hard earned ten rupee note . "Looks like you guys have won," he jovially asked , handing us our precious rasna packets. "Can anyone beat us? " a victorious arrogant voice retorted back from one amongst us . The boisterous laughter followed with Mani Anna giving us company for everyone of us knew it was our only win after ten matches and that too by a whisker ."watha teamukku oru 'O' podu "..........."Oooooooooohhhhh"the thunder bolted again . What a feeling . I still couldn't believe we had won . I sipped the frozen rasna savoring the taste . After all it had come from my hard earned one rupee . Felt like heaven ....honestly.

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"Beep ,Beep " the mobile buzzed as I was sitting in my office cabin .

"Your account has been credited with Rs XXXXX "

It was the much awaited 31st of the month , but as always the strange sense of emptiness filled me . Its been 2 years and nothing seems to have changed , the emptiness keeps coming back , yet again . I sipped through the insipid tea churned by the coffeemaker , staring out at the vast emptiness of the skies through the stained glass window . A few birds flew happily flapping their wings against the winds , savoring their 'gifted' freedom of an unknown future .Yet another sip went in as I stared at those birds , at the vast blue skies , the stains on the window pane which created mystical blots on my vision of the skies .....I kept staring , lost in an enigmatic sadness which slowly traveled its way forming a lump in my throat .

How I wish ......


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With the bat resting on my shoulders just like you see in the mahabarata serial , I walked along with our team discussing the turning points of the match . We paraded the streets oblivious to the shouts of the autowallahs and other innocent passerbys . We were the winners . Soon the stomach-ache causing laughs followed as we tread to what we do the best - Pulling each one's legs . As always the usual targets of our team were the ones with the maximum carnage caused on their image . What a walk . The trees along the streets seemed to be dancing to our tunes , the vendors seemed to be singing , the breeze gently kissed us ...everyone and everything seemed to be perfect . The laughs , The pride and joy of victory walked alongside with us ....And why not , after all we were the winners

Probably the best walk I ever had in my life........

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There I was walking alone on the lonely streets of kolkata with just a stray dog giving me company on the hope of some food . A chill wind blew ruffling my hair and I gently closed my eyes for a second . And strangely there was no difference . The darkness had already set in . The slow steps , the longing heart which had become a slave to money and the desires buried long back combined themselves and mixed along with the chill wind whispering elegies of unknown languages into my ears . Finally , I reached the ATM , took out some money . Looking at the crisp 100 rupee notes I faked a smile ........yet again.

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"Ma , we won . I hit a six of sudheer's ball . It went off like ............." this was the fourth time I was telling her the same story . Still she listened with the same interest and curiosity . I hugged her and slowly went off to sleep . I dreamt about the match , The last wicket ,the sixes , the dive catches the rasna , the look on the opponent's face.......The entire match had a re telecast in my mind . I kept dreaming .

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I struggled to get sleep as I kept rolling from one side to the other . "Where will my manager ask me to go tomorrow ? Why the fuck am I here ? Why do I have to do this ? Shall I resign ? But its a lot of money . Will I get another job ? What will the world think of me ? Am I a loser???????? . With a storm inside me , I opened my eyes staring at the whirling ceiling fan - my only companion during those several sleepless nights. The clock showed 3 a.m .
Life was a mess.......


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"Ma I am going to play "....
"But its only 6 a.m ..." and before the sleepy voice of my mom could complete I was excitedly walking on towards our ground . Yup , our ground . I kept hitting shadow sixes throughout my walk . "Hi da , lets start " a friend of mine called out .The sun was at its merciless best as always .But who cares , we could brave the heat , the rains and the winds . After all , we were the winners ..... We played for the entire day and cursed it for ending so soon . It felt great and each passing day was a delight.

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"Oh god , Its 7 a.m already ", I banged the alarm , gave a frown which encompasses all the synonyms of frustration . I hoped the day had never begun . Hoped it would end soon . The mechanical life had begun yet again . The running had to start . The leather shoes ,the uncomfortable formals , the ID card which proclaimed me to be a software engineer hung across my neck . I gobbled a banana and set off for 'yet another day' .......

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Well , Its just been sometime and how much life has changed . Those days of joy , dreams , freedom , curiosity have slowly been filled with anxiety , frustration and sadness . As I write this I realize slowly how much I have really missed enjoying life for its simplest pleasures in the mad chase for money which promises the 'mirage' of a secured future and happiness . There were times when I realized there was something majorly wrong in the way I was living my life and I started looking for solace in the endless list of self-help books . But nothing seemed to help . But today as I took some time to dwell into my past , and my so called stories of my life , strangely it had all the answers to my unanswered questions . And I slowly realized the true answer to our search lies within us - Within the stories in which we were the heroes , and within the ones we dismissed of as too trivial . Well we are all heroes , and the stories we all have are one of the best ones ever . As I ponder over my so-called stories , I have finally decided . I am just one week away from my resignation .

After two long years , this day I did what I always wanted to do . Though I am financially poorer , no more a part of the esteemed industry , no more a respected person amongst my family , no more a sensible person according to the society ....I am finally free . Free to do whatever I like just like how I was ten years back . Free from my master called money . I am not really sure how long it will be before I go back to my master . But now at this moment I am free ...And this blog is a humble beginning for my new dream . Beyond the scolds from my English teacher who thought I was a too dumb to write , the fear of what people might think , and beyond my own doubts of whether I could really write something a little better than crap (honestly , I still have it each time I write ) I finally decided to go ahead . And it seriously feels great each and every time I sit down to write . And its heaven when I receive a few comments and the thought "maybe it is just a little better than crap " crops up ( Though I am still not really sure ) .But nevertheless finally I went ahead and did it. And what a difference it made . I finally had the courage to do something just for me . And for those who have read till here , thanks a lot , for unknowingly , you have made someone believe in his dreams and follow his heart. Its just not about the blog , its just about making time to do things which we always loved doing but kept postponing because of the fear of what others might think and because of the innumerable reasons we thought about as to why we wont be able to do it . But finally after all these years a little 5 minutes that I spent while walking across my old school playground , which brought in all those sweet memories , has taught me what I was missing all these days . It was the courage to go about and do something which you really enjoy . For once, finally , I didn't do something for money or to spruce my resume or to impress someone . Feels great......

And if in case you ppl ever get some time off , try switching off your mobile phones , go to your terrace , lie down for once without bothering about the dress getting dirty , plug in a pink floyd , feel the cool breeze in your hair and try recollecting those wonderful stories you had where you were the heroes or heroines, where you did everything you dreamt off , where you wandered with the spirit of an adventurer enjoying the warmth of the sunny afternoons , where you cycled your way towards freedom , nursed your wounds from the first fall like a warrior....The ones which your heart always died to tell to the world and most importantly to YOU . Each of us have a story to tell hidden there somewhere deep within the dust laden chambers of our hearts and you never know your story might just be the answer to what you were always searching for , just like how it happened to me .

For all the heroes and heroines , that's it for now , keep cherishing those golden days while I shall be back soon .

P.S : sorry for the long post