Now , I know the answer ...

Feb 18th ,2009

Amidst the bantering of the bangle selling lady who had finally decided to take rest on the path near the door of the train's compartment , amidst the wails of the child which rubbed through its flowing nose , amidst the face of the old beggar which held those untold stories , amidst the gushing water across the tap with the gargling sound from the uncle's mouth supplementing it , I sat there on the doorstep motionlessly still with the mirage of trees , barren lands , electric wires ,transformers sketching across the endless horizon... It was yet another assignment as a part of my job and there I was on my way to Edappal , a small village in Kerela .

The same question cropped up "Why do I need to do this ??" . One question which haunted me for two years and as always the answer was the same . "My salary is getting credited day after tomorrow " the inner voice spoke . The same salary which the first time bought my mom a diamond pendant , the same salary which bought my girlfriend the gold ring , the same salary which bought me my pepe jeans , the same salary which bought me cold cofees at coffee day ....

but there was one little insignificant thing which it never bought me ....

Happiness....

A lot of such train journeys had passed before I finally had the guts to call it quits and finally follow my heart ...Its been a year . Have things changed . Have I learnt something . Have I really earned my smile....

July 10th , 2009

A new life had begun . The grinds and grills of an MBA had begun , the assignments had begun , the presentations had begun , the screwing ups had begun ,the friendships had begun , the dreams had begun , the journey had begun .... As all these began , there was this sudden excitement towards which committee you had to be in . As every B School proudly says we are run for the students , by the students and of the students , it is these committees that actually do the above stated ...

Having been existing for 24 years , if there is one thing that I am completely sure of me - its the fact that I can easily beat anyone to the top of Forbes worlds most laziest people list .

So obviously to join no committees was my first motto but as fate had to play its role (I reserve that story for some other time) somehow I ended up in one of the committees - placom (the placement committee).

The entire batch after those mind boggling classes had a sigh of relief as they sipped through the hot coffee , guffawing and rambling about the various rumors and grape wines of the college . At one lonely corner of the college , "Mam , this is arun calling from....can we get an appointment for a corporate presentation for our execs placements " ..The calling had begun for fixing appointments for making presentations the next month to corporates (yup the same place from which I had come )..One month had gone by and so did lot of coffees and interseting gossips .I was missing all the fun and somewhere deep inside it didnt feel great... The planning had begun for the presentation at delhi ( I was in the delhi team !!) , the brochures , the cds , the list of companies , addresses , hr nos , train tickets , stay ...the list went on...

Soon I was walking across the streets of delhi , trying to find out where the offices of the companies were situated . As always I ended up walking several miles, thanks to my 'ek gaon mein ek kissan ' hindi speaking skills .This became a routine as the mornings were filled with work and the evenings were filled with bird-watching sessions and tandoori chicken . With a hectic one week all the presentations were made .

And then finally came the DAY ..The first company was coming to campus the next day . Its 2 P.m in the night as I took the final printout of the resumes of the students who had applied . And At 2.30 p.m I went to the guest house to welcome the recruiters to the campus( they had a delay in their travel..a pretty loooong one ...phew) and showed them around their rooms and finally went back to my room at 3 P.M . Just when i thought I had just slept , a call woke me up "Arun , what would they be needing for breakfast " . The clock needle seemed to quiver around the number 6 as I woke up and soon I was running across in my blazer accompanying the recruiters for the breakfast . The process had begun . There were several last minute corrections in the resume , several queries ,and several anxious faces ...

The day went on and on and slowly the filtering was done with the final 10 ready to enter the interviews. The clock showed 11.30 p.m as the final candidate went in .. I stood there outside with my knees starting to ache and my tired eyelids desperately wanting to kiss each other...

The same old question dawned "Why do I need to do this ?"

But before I could really think the door threw open and the last candidate was out . Soon I went inside after a 10 minute hiatus . The HR's seemed to be in a very serious discussion and finally the gave me the names . Two of them had been selected . Quickly I dialled their nos and said " Hey , congrats you are selected "....

And that one single moment that followed . I will never ever forget. ...that strange inexplicable feeling ...that little flutter across my heart ...that subtle joy ..that final taste of that little thing which money never bought me ...that little thing called Satisfaction... .I guess the guy on the other line said thanks but I don't remember . And it didn't matter . In a few minutes I could see shouts of joy "machan I made it " ,clenched hands punching the skies with ecstasy , smiling faces reaching out to their near and dear ones sharing their joy .

At one silent corner ,as I watched all these the question cropped "Why do I need to do this ?"

A few meters away from me I saw that joy on his face . That smile of conquering everything .That joyous voice over the phones shouting "ma ., I am placed " . That expression which spoke of victory and that some thing which I will never be able to explain.

And a silent voice within me spoke " This is why you need to do this !!!"

Months of hard work ,those missed coffees , those cribbings, those from-where-the-hell-do-they-crop-up problems ,those never ending planning , all those pains which went to it , my aching knees ....None of these mattered....

I slowly dropped into my bed .. I smiled ....

April 15th , 2010

The year had ended . I stood there near the door of my train compartment on my way back to Chennai from Trichy. There were times when I worked for money . And now these are times when I work for free , and I bet on my life that sometimes I have worked much more than what I actually did when I was paid . And honestly it feels great . To know that you worked , not for money , not for your personal gains but in order to bring that little smile on someones face .

And now I realize the problem was not my job but....

the person for whom I worked ...money..

I gave a smile as the winds brushed through my face and ruffled hair .

The same question but.....

Now I knew the answer ....

I kept smiling ...

Sometimes these simple experiences go on to teach us the biggest lessons in our lives...U keep searching for that 'something' everywhere and all of a sudden it just comes so unexpectedly , just like that chill breeze on a hot summer afternoon , nothing dramatic , nothing mind blowing ,but just hidden amongst the casual yet-another-day-of -life....So lets stop complaining and start relishing these simple experiences for what they have to offer and do our small part to bring that little smile back into people's lives...

Smile ...come what may !!!!

Last-ing moments !!!!

The First love ,the first kiss ,the first job , the first paycheque ....there is always a lot of nostalgia and feelings attached to those "first"s in everything .

But however we strangely seem to have forgotten about the last drop of petrol which miraculously saw you through till the nearest petrol bunk , the last one rupee in your pocket which got you the rasna which you savored all along your way back from school ,The last glimpse at your friends answer sheet which you got you that 1 mark which passed you , the joy of watching the seconds hand cover the last minute of the most boring lecture , the last iota of vision before your eyelids close themselves to the mystical chants caled lectures , the last day at the job you hated the most ,the last drop of the chocolate milkshake which dances across the rim of the glass before it lands on your lips , that last time you saw that beautiful stranger who gave that little smile which made you gasp "Wow !! I am in love " , the last time you held her hands before the train left , the last drop of tears which fell across her pink cheeks as the train kept moving as I stood there still watching her dissapear , the last time my father smiled at me , the last time you met your college gang , the last phone call which eventually continued for 4 years and still continues , the last 50 paise balance which just lasted as you spoke the words "oye , I miss u..." ,the last milestone which said chennai 2 Km as I drove the last lap of my 350KM ride from trichy to chennai , The last time someone came and told you "Hey you are looking awesome "(Though seriously ,I doubt whether there was a "first" time this happened leave alone the "last"), The last walk across my college corridor , the last Photograph which had all of us together ...hmmm

Well , irrespective of whether they are the "firsts" or the "lasts" there is always the joy and longing whenever we get reminded of these . We all have our own stories where these "lasts" did matter .And unfortunately these lasts never got their due so I just decided to take some time to recollect mine as I suddenly remembered its a long time since I LAST wrote my blog .. And no wonder these were truly last-ing moments !!!!

Now its time for you guys to cherish your "last"ing moments , and while you do that I shall make a move ...and as always

Do Keep smiling , come what may ...

Musings of an idle mind ...

Sometimes even the most humiliating questions lead to the most enlightening moments of your life . It was a long day . A very long one to be precise as I sat there waiting on a dust laden bench in pune railway station with a please-gimme-atleast-one-biscuit longing dog staring at me as I finished the last 'good day' biscuit . Well , the biscuits name strangely seemed to be mocking at me as I got reminded of the day ....

It was yet another interview , yet another pursuit for the MBA madness..Unfortunately , these gentlemen in the panel were interested in what I learnt in engineering( However I appreciate the thought !!! feels nice ) ... I struggled to remember a few basic theorems he had asked in electrical engineering (5 years is a really looong time...And phew ,what a eureka moment to realise that ) and of course later followed by a How-does-it-work question with his fingers pointing out to any object remotely connected to electricity in the room or rather was kept near an electrical plug point . I stared at him , with an inner voice replyin 'boss I am not your I-read-daily-lessons and an-electrical-engineer-is-what-I-always-wanted-to-be kinda guy , I am a normal , yet another part of the humble race of ppl who open their books a day before the exams , curse the author , drink the magic potion "tea" to stand against the travails of a closing eyelid and finally at the end of it all find the true joy in life when they see the P- for pass in their results"....Not even the such- deep-indepth knowledge ( ahem...ahem...) that I gained during my insightful engineering years came to my help , as the two years of life as a software professional had robbed me of the remaining so-called-electrical-knowledge .

"Kripya , dhyan dijiye " an abrupt voice ended my flashback . I flexed my muscles and lifted the huge bag that I had containing a shirt , a pant and my underwear . The girls stood there wowed at my ability to lift such a huge bag with such an ease . Or so I thought as the only other specimen whom I had previously introduced to you "the dog " ...yup the same one which was after my good day biscuit gave a bark which said "you better get lost before I ....(censored) "..

Thus with such a nice farewell I boarded the train and soon after was lying on the top berth enjoyin the little wafts of air which these old fans strangely still seem to produce .

Somewhere deep inside I was feeling a little bad for screwing the interview . And the question dawned " So what exactly was engineering all about if it was not for the circuits , motors or whatever ????

And slowly I drifted away ...

Those increasing ‘lub-dub’ sounds of my heart when I bunked a class for the first time in my life , those “macha , quick da ...the watchman might see us “ shouts as I crawled beneath the fence which was neatly cut by some kind hearted senior just enough for me to pass excluding my tummy , and after a 5 minute extreme-yoga-inhaling session I managed to pass through but unfortunately my jeans bore a small hole which would go on to become the only remains of the history of adventurous bunkings that followed , and those long journeys back to the city to watch ‘our kinda’ movies ....Those “wowwwwww.......” exasperation as we stood in the middle of satyam theatre gaping at mallika sherawat scorching the screens in Murder ,those few shouts that followed from behind which meant we better find our seats else the name of the movie might not just remain a coincidence ...Those gossips which went about the college as to who was with whom , and what did x do with y while z went on with q ....soon the gossip section at the end of the four years stood like – ABCDEFG ...XYZ and you just had to keep rearranging them ...those laments about ‘wont we ever get a girl friend ‘ ...those 5 minute glances at unknown faces and those 1 in a million probability where they get returned ....those classes which taught you the art of sleeping with eyes wide open , those gruelling lab sessions , record writing and finally those vivas where you learn the philosophy ‘when a rape is inevitable , its better to lie back and enjoy “ ...Those lovely friendships which you make ...a few which last ...a few which don’t ...the joy of discovering the chillness of the sea in a late evening at marina , those days when I felt why couldn’t life just stay like this as I blew the smoke from the lemon flavoured hookah ...the smoke that made everything around hazy , unclear but yet a sense of inner peace somehow strangely seemed to be there as the world that I had always known disappeared ... the juice shop at nungambakkam which provided the perfect inspiration to all our life’s useless philosophies on girls , beer ,bikes and porn...those cremation ceremonies for many a chicken at our own Loyola fast food ...those placement blues ...those gre,cat madness ...those football matches which took us through an entire year....Those love affairs , those fights , those disappointments , those failures ...Those inevitable fightbacks against life , just barely managing to stand after a lots of falls... Those once- in- a -blue -moon good scores ...and those......

Oops , I have reached Chennai and thanks to the benevolent soul who shook me up and ended the ‘happy-days’ movie of my life...

I slowly woke up as the answer dawned

So what exactly was engineering all about if it was not for the circuits , motors or whatever ????

“Two days with a 100 bucks second hand bakshi textbook from the moore market , and I would have answered each and every “how does this crap work “ questions.....But those lovely memories and moments of these 4 years ...hmmmm... College wasn't just about the motors ,the circuits ,the labs , thesemester exams ,the placements ....Its was about something else

It was about life....

And boy , I did live mine !!!!

A cup of life

Its been a really long time since my last post . Thanks to my assignments , presentations , ever increasing sleep hours and alas finally here I am back again as always at my useless best....

Yet another wonderful day started off as I woke up at 9.30 a.m realising that I was a tad bit too late for my research methodology class which was at 8.45 (thanks for that , it was a wonderful day indeed )...Half asleep I monotonously took 'the hindu' as always cursing the dry contents for I missed the masala of Times of India . Something familiar caught my eyes . "CAT 2009 debacle ".....

Aaha ...not that I was remotely bothered by CAT 2009 but however the word cat was good enough to bring back good old memories of the MBA madness phase which I once went through ...those mock cats , those dreams about IIM which I had while I was teaching bankers how to select using the mouse (a part of my wrk ...ahem ahem...Of course I am an ever proud software engineer ) ,those endless application forms , CAT , NMAT, SNAP , XAT ....and those heart stopping moments before each and every results ......those unusual self-thy-named-invented diseases that I get a week before each and every GD call, for an off from work ..a loving boss who eventually forgot me in due course of time .... those 5 minute friendships before GD's ..."hey , I saw u at XYZ interview right " cliches ...those shouts across the gd hall as to why INDIAN economy was better than the Chinese...those why MBA questions...those oscar winning dialogues on how MBA was my calling and why ALWAYS I wanted to do an MBA ...those presentations blaring we r so and so ...those final converts ...those advising grandpas , mamis , mamas ..those "machan watha naan school poren ....ooooooooo...B SCHOOL " a la james bond style punch dialog...those obvious spits which followed the dialog...


and atlast a few dreams which shall always remain as dreams .......

I smiled ....

Kept smiling as I realised I had missed the second hour of the lecture too as the clock screamed 10 a.m....

But honestly , I didnt mind

I fell on my cot , pulled the bedsheet across my face and zzzzzzzz.....

A day well spent I thought as I slowly dozed off sincerely wishing I would be awake for the afternoon class....

As always few memories are worth recollecting...somewhere it makes you feel good and laugh at all those silly , stupid things we have done ..We might have really been worried about those so called mistakes we made that time ...But now , all thats history and gets stored under the "moments to smile " folder in your heart...so lets make mistakes , not be too harsh on ourselves , smile across each and every situation and take life as it comes with "Watha ...I love you , my dear life "(wish it was a wife instead !!!) attitude . Irrespective of the end , the journeys are always the best part . I know not everyone must be having the best times of their lives ...But its just a matter of time before things get back to being great and who knows the current situation might just be the one which would provide you with those evergreen amusing memories for ur entire life...

So no matter how much life screws you, do keep smiling and enjoy life...

A little bit of vodka and life....

"Macha , cheers da ....watha this is the most happiest day of my life " I shouted oblivious of the poor street dog which had an abrupt end to its sleep . The shouts slowly travelled through those empty streets of kolkatta , across those trees which kept dancing to the tunes of the wind , through the moisture laden yet-to-blossom-flowers , across the water filled potholes , across those tired people getting back home with the id card which held the stories of dreams lost and untold.....

Giving me company along with the vodka bottle were three other dissillusioned souls .
shankar - a lead guitarist of a wannabe band from chennai ,
Parthiban - yet another unfortunate mechanical engineer ,
Selva - a wannabe politician and
me - an electrical engineer who knew nothing about current ,circuits ...

We all had one thing in common other than the single bottle of vodka ...

All of us were software engineers ....

Yup , we belonged to the elite lot who were paid in lakhs , had plush offices , spent like crazy and so on.......

Or thats what I dreamt 2 years back ...I still remember the wait across the crowded hall where the names where spelt out ...arun kumar r ......watha ....yeahhhhhhh....I stood there with my hands spread as the joyous shouts echoed throughout the hall....and that window seat on the bus where I struggled to convey to my mom those golden words " Ma , I am placed........"

Yet another glass of vodka went in as I got reminded of today's afternoon where I gave back my swipecard as it was my last day at office . And honestly , I have never felt better...

Money was good ...It bought me everything except for that something....that something which could remove that emptiness...that something which I would do just for the love of doing it...that something which would let me follow my heart ...

Now as I get ready for the new journey in search of that 'something', I see the longingness , those lost dreams, the pain in those eyes ....Those eyes which belonged to me a few days back, those eyes which will belong to thousand of more recruits who will keep swarming in.... And somewhere deep inside I know it wouldnt be long before my master 'money' catches up with me and the compromises would again happen...

But till then I have the chance to script my own story ....I finally get a chance to live not for what the society thinks I should be , what my friends think I should be ,what my family thinks I should be but for.....what I think ,I should be.

And as a humble beginning to this so called new self-discovery , this blog holds a special place ...coz it gave me the courage to do something just for the love of it ....and all those who took the pain to read through my posts and those sweet ppl who commented on my blog , I am forever indebted to you ppl for you unknowingly convinced an average-not-so-good wannabe writer within me to believe in his dreams...and everytime I read those random out-of-blue praises it feels like heaven ...

As the final sip of vodka goes in , I fall back...

Its time to start dreaming ...

From me to you ...

Thousands of kutti kutti fights ...

Hundreds of misunderstandings ...
Loads of possesiveness....
A few heart shattering moments ...
A little bit of ego clashes...

That sudden thought of losing it all ...

and its been three years ...

nothing seems to have changed ..

or did it ??


We survived through everything...through every bit of the joy and the pain..through each and every struggle , blows and falls ...nursing each others wounds , growing stronger day by day , sometimes hurting each other in the process ...what started off just as yet another college love story , maybe went a bit too far was what the entire world thought ...or to be frank thats what we ourselves thought but time had its own plans and got its magic woven into our lives ...

three years is a pretty long time .Lots of things changed ...

those lovely walks along the college road .....
those lovely roadside teas...
those astrology sessions at the beach..
those days when I spent the entire day cleaning my bike just because I was supposed to go out with you the next day...
those days when the wallets were empty but the hearts were full ....
those days when I rode across 20 km just to wave a single 'hi' ...
those days when the phone bills kept raising while I always felt we never spoke enough ...
those lovely afternoons where we roamed around the streets of anna nagar in search of an abandoned puppy ...
those evenings when I held your hands wishing on the sun that set across the horizon...
those nights which taught me what missing someone really meant....

and finally along with all these ....

yet another thing changed ...

......US.....

I started chasing a career , money and a few more of things which I never could decipher...In the journey that followed I made a few sacrifices , made a few choices , made a lot of blunders...

And I thought it was always for that someone ...

for that you...

but little did I know it wasnt what you wanted ....you wanted somethin else..it was not about gettin back those walks or talks ...though from heart there isnt a day that passes where I do not wish for those moments...it was more than that ...it was about the spirit ...it was about that zest for life which we both had ...that beauty which we saw in those chill zephyrs , that cold waves which splashed across our feet and that one last phone call each night....it was about the joy of living each moment ...we really did own the world though for a very small time ...and somewhere along the way we got lost admist work pressures , CTC's , careers , onsite and what not...

But at this moment , as I sit along the low parapet walls of my terrace crisscrossing my legs and savoring the hot tea with the chill breeze giving me company thanks to the cocunut trees , there is just one thing I would like to say ...

There is just one little, insignificant thing that still hasn't changed ...

"I STILL LOVE YOU ".......

Romancing with Life ...

Garishly painted walls , dim lights which find their way through the smoke filled air , blaring sounds from an old radio , broken chairs and ....

Long back at the same place...

"Watha" I slammed against the table "why the fuck did she do this to me machan ". The unusual silence greeted my anger...everyone around me kept quiet .....


Not long back ..

"machan ...she is back with me ...ummale finally machan ...can u believe it guys...she is back ...she is mine ...just mine...oooooooooooo" the ecstatic shout echoes through the small place as my clenched fist punched across the air with joy....

at sometime I dont remember ...

"Aah finally , its all over machan ...we are engineers ....we made it...no more exams ..no more labs ...no more machines ..no more circuits ...aahaaaaaaaaa feels like heaven ..."

at a time which I wish to forget

"machan I am placed in a software firm...whoaaa.....loads of money...foreign trips ..team parties ..pubbing...partying..n of course girls machan...ooooooo" I kept dreaming on the same broken chair . ( I still pity myself for all those dreams....silly me )

A few months back ,

"This IT field is killing me . I am going to do an MBA ...dont ask me why ...honestly I dont know ...But I have decided ..."I took a decision admist the hazy smoke at the same place...

exactly 4 months back ,

" I am no more a software engineer ...I am a student once again...aah ..finally back to college ..err not exactly a college but to a school ...a B school ...whatever ...watha its back to good old fun times " I kept smiling ...and of course at the same place ...

Well WTF am I coming at ...

Honestly , there is absolutely nothing philosophical coming up to interrelate all these incidents . So rest assured . There is just one little common thing .

All these took place at the same place and were followed by the same dialogue .

A dialogue which never changed though the times had changed . A dialogue which shall always remain forever irrespective of whichever stage I pass through in life . A dialogue which stood the test of time and forever etched itself in my life to become eternal .A dialogue which represented the aftermath of every emotion I went through in life - love , hate , failure , success , frustration , hope and joy .

And its time I let the world know those magical words ...

and it goes like

" ANNA .... ORU PLATE CHILLI CHICKEN THANGA !!!!!"

(bro , 1 plate chilli chicken plz )

And honestly , if it weren't for those lovely chilli chickens at our own roadside-fast-food-centers where each and every important incident of my life were either celebrated or brooded over , life would never have been the same .

Sorrows or joy , failures or success , rejection or acceptance .....all these come and go ...But make sure you dont lose out on these occasions to have the inevitable "chilli chicken". With a chicken out there on our plates we shall take a vow to believe in life , to enjoy our good times , to laugh our hearts out , to take failures in our stride , to stand back each and every time we fall , to make the best out of what life has to offer , to celebrate our freedom and at the end of it .....ummm errr .....Of course , eat the chicken on our plate ...what else !!!

This is dedicated to all those lovely souls who shared their glories and falls in life with a plate of chilli chicken at our very own street fast food centers .....